Thursday, April 19, 2012

And then there was none

Hair that is.
ALL gone.
No guard on the clippers, kind of gone.
Even did part of it myself.

I don't think that any amount of reading or talking could have made me understand what it means to lose your hair this way. Let's start with the physical. It makes some sort of sense that if you are trying to get rid of fast growing cancer cells that other fast growing cells will also be effected. BUT the fact that it actually hurts your head being there is indescribable (as in weird, not excruciating). I just wanted it off my head, it hurt all day. "How does your hair hurt?" you ask. It pokes you when it has fallen out of your scalp, but not off your head. Its like getting your regular haircut and not being able to change your shirt. Itchy and uncomfortable all over.

Then there is the emotional part. I have been known to gawk and stare (just this side of drooling) at more than my fair share of bald young hotties. Seriously, there is something about a close cropped coif that does it. BUT that image is eternally attached to a MAN.

(ooooo lost my train of thought, too many images----ok, back on track)

I don't usually think of myself as having huge image issues. There are those ups and downs that hit everyone occasionally that I can't help, but as a general rule I've been pretty content with my adult self. But suddenly I find myself avoiding mirrors. At first, it was just the haircut I didn't really want. Then it was the GI Jane, OMG I look like a boy..... I was just starting to get used to seeing exactly how broad my shoulders are and how brown my eyes are. Now the avoidance is not so much because I don't like what I see, but rather because I don't know who it is that I see. The short hair was a woman who could be sick and teach. GI Jane was gaining strength as a mom and pretending to just be that much of a badass that she shaved her hair off. Bald simply screams, "Cancer patient."

Me:"I don't like this role, I don't like that anyone can see it, and I don't like that I can't pretend everything is ok when I want to."
(uproarious laughter, snort)
Myself: "You stupid girl, you have let everyone see it right here. Hell, you have let people feel it right along with you. That is absurd to think that you can/will/want to hide."
Me: But those who have found me here are the same people who would know that I rarely answer "how are you doing?" with "good." They know me well enough to know that I don't hide much from those who care enough to ask, but prefer for strangers to think I have my shit together.
Myself: That's dumb.
I: There is no choice to be made here, it doesn't matter what you want or what you like. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and find the new path. Every person who is now a friend was once a stranger. So perhaps the strangers you meet tomorrow will become new friends you can't live without.
Myself: Suck it up Buttercup.


5 comments:

  1. You're beautiful not matter whether you have no hair or hair down to you butt. You're also strong and brave!

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  2. We love and miss you buttercup....AND you will WIN this battle...cause you are strong..YOU are beautiful with or without hair..god news is that the hair will grow back...and your strength and spirit are yours that cancer can't take from you...and that means that you will survive...hugs hugs hugs
    lisa

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  3. Nicole,

    With each entry that you share I fall apart knowing who you are. I have seen your physical strength the past couple of years with Bike to the Bay. This blog is showing all of us the depths of your inner strength. I can't for a minute relate or understand how you are feeling as you take this roller coaster of a ride that you never chose to step one foot on. Please keep using this writing as an outlet for you. And for those of us who have made the choice to get on the ride with you and follow the updates, know that we are all here in any way you need it. It is when I hear about moments you spoke about above that I remind myself to slow down, enjoy my son and appreciate every day as a gift. I think and pray of you often. I love how you're finding a way to have a sense of humor through your entries.

    Keep smiling you're beautiful. Maybe we can ride next year 2013 in Bike to the Bay again. I will be missing this year too!

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  4. I can't imagine how hard this is. I don't know what I'd do, but I can honestly say I don't think I would handle it with as much strength and courage as you are. So you don't have hair. You are still the beautiful Coley Clair you always are - inside and out. Thinking about you and praying for a speedy recovery.
    Love you!
    Jamie

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  5. Allesha--Who would have thought that my "I just had my appendix removed three weeks ago" excuse for whining about my butt hurting would ever be out done? 2013--you're on!!!

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