I am not Super Mom, she is a fictional character.

I am not Super Mom. Even if I pretend.....  no matter how sparkly my shoes....... or if I have a costume, a damn good attitude, or even a passion to get the job done right.... It is not enough right now. This week was rough and humbling for me.

First came the emotional kryptonite, a haircut. Thank you Tonia (and Starla) for coming down and letting me tackle this one in my own space. It really is a cute cut, and if I had wanted to have short hair it is a great cut. BUT some of you haven't been around all that long, and I can only say that one super short hair bad experience is enough for anyone (junior high into freshman year anyone???? NKOTB hair on a girl was a bad idea--so bad that I am not even willing to look for a picture to share here). I am choosing for now to see it as another bad choice in my life, but I really am not ready for complete hair loss. I just don't want to do it. (insert picture of me stamping my foot, crossing my arms, and pouting....) I wish the phrase, "and you can't make me," were applicable, but it isn't. This will come, and it will not be easy for me.

Then, I attempted to go back to work on Monday. I can't even call it an honest attempt. Just as many of you predicted and warned me about (I really wish I could have gone a bit longer). I hit the proverbial wall. No, I'm  pretty sure I hit an actual wall. I got home on Monday afternoon, crawled onto the couch, and stayed there until Sean woke me at bed time. I was so tired and everything hurt. I hadn't had enough water, enough food, enough rest. When I finally got to bed, I was too tired to cry. I got up Tuesday morning by sheer willpower and a fear of letting my family and friends down. (here is where you have to be reminded that I thought I was Super Woman not just Super Mom) When I finally stopped and looked at myself during my planning hour (with the help of a friend), I was disappointed in myself. I had given in to the workaholic and had stopped being even a shadow of Super Mom. "Family first" is an idea I've heard a lot in the workplace, but I was reminded that it is a phrase with more than just altruistic ideals. My family must come first, and if I am going to struggle to be good at something right now then Super Mom is the challenge I will face.

I also have to add here that I had this idea of how strong I am and how I am going to kick breast cancer ass. I suppose I just didn't think that I was going to have to stop and fight. This is one foe that isn't going to see me coming and step aside. "oh she thinks she's tough, ha! Watch me toy with her a little. She has never had something that doesn't listen to her...." Listen here little mocking tumor, I am going to kick your ass. I will face every last bit of you and all the sacrifices and changes and EVERYTHING. I will win.

Which is all fine and dandy for me to write now, but Tuesday night.... after dragging myself to Dr. O's office with my trooper Jake in tow. Being told that there was no change in size in Big T (but it is a bit soon) and that I have no choice but to slow down. Getting home exhausted again. Feeling like I should be able to do this in stride with my normal life. Watching my happy family play without me. I freaked out. What if I don't beat this?? I wish I could say it was fleeting, but it hung with me for a lot longer than I thought it would. I knew the thought would come, and I told myself that I would be kind enough to myself to not run from it. It was scary. BUT I wish you could have seen how much fun the kids and Sean were having at that moment. "Zombie Apocalyse!!!!!" The laughs, the giggles, they were so happy being silly together. I will never miss another moment like that because I was too dumb to realize that FAMILY FIRST is me making sure MY FAMILY IS FIRST all the time. It was in that moment that I decided that I would listen to those wiser than me and not be returning to work. I cannot be a good teacher and a good mom right now, so I am going to focus on taking care of me for my family.


(side note-- my next post is going to require participation, be ready!)