A few good days to write about

As with most of my writing, I started, got distracted, and now have too much to share it all...

On October 17th, I wrote:
Today has been a VERY good day! This sitting still and listening to my body thing is seriously not my style. But today I was granted some reprieve from the ouch-ness and thought I would brag about a good day. 

I wasn't expecting today to be a good day at all, last night was rough and I didn't sleep much at all--just didn't get the pain meds timed right. When I awoke, I did the little shimmy wiggle thing I have to do now to sit up in bed, and while the pressure on my chest was tremendous it was manageable. I let the sleep fog dissipate for a bit with a few games of Candy Crush. Then I was able to take a warm shower, notice it was warm and not hot..... (reason #1 for good and not great day) And since the warmth relaxed my chest muscles I did a little tidying in my room. 

Then I made way downstairs to do some sitting and resting.

When my father-in-law, AKA babysitter extraordinaire, arrived to help me with lunch I asked if he would also take me to the Secretary of State to get my enhanced driver's license (since the mobile app said there was only a 31 minute wait).  He even let me convince him to make a detour to the grocery store. Apple pie makes people do strange things this time of year.... While we were unsuccessful in our hunt for an apple pie--to quench my craving for MacQueen's Dutch Apple pie--I did manage to sneak and put things in the cart all by myself. I felt like a little kid getting away with putting stuff in the cart. (too bad it was greek yogurt, bananas, Thomas's bagels, and some fruit)


On October 21st, I should have written (but I was too excited):
I got to drive today!!!!!!! Not quite strong enough for any long distances, but I can do some basic errand stuff!!!! There are not enough exclamation points to show how exciting this is for me.


Today is October 27th:
At my expansion appointment the doctor and I discussed several things, first was size (insert your favorite "it matters" joke here). Did you know that it is important to over expand to give the doctor more room to make the Franken-boobs pretty? Yeah, me either. AND a dear friend offered up the advice to "go big or go home" which led to my new found knowledge that it is a pretty easy surgery to change out implants if you are unsatisfied with the bigger, bolder version. Oh the conversations you never thought you'd be having....

Then he took out the wire-like stitches. Which actually hurt. Way more than the little tug he described. Attention doctors, just because you use the word little and you aren't exerting a huge effort doesn't mean that it feels that way on the receiving end. Oh, and a word to the wise, if there are a lot of steri-strips on your incision it isn't because the doctor let your kids play with the band-aids. That is one HECK of a battle scar:

But the highlight was talking seriously about going back to work. I'm not ready yet, but maybe in two weeks. I need to work on getting physically stronger by doing the "duh stuff" that everyone needs to do to be a little healthier (drink water, eat more fruits and veggies, exercise--for me that is walking for now--blah, blah, blah).

My biggest take away from this part of the conversation was the realization that outside of our own occupation we as adults have no idea what it really takes to do a job that is not our own. The interactions that just make the entire day more wonderful and those that make you shake your head or roll your eyes are all different, but we all have them. For me, knowing when I will be well enough to get back to my classroom, my passion, will be directly tied to knowing that I am ready to be fully present for both the wonderful and the difficult parts of the job.

(My apologies to English teachers and well-trained writers/reader everywhere for the horrid grammar in this post and for the last paragraph that is so disconnected and conclusion-less.)

Another reason why I love my husband

My days are currently filled with high doses of pain meds, naps, and tv watching which means that I don't have much to update you with. The quick and easy: pathology report from the mastectomy says that while the cancer was invasive on the left side it does NOT require chemotherapy. The same report also says that there was a previously undetected new cancer on the right side. (I will have to post about that again once I have met with my oncologist and surgeon and understand what it means exactly.) For now, we can all give a giant whoo hoo for no chemo. If it didn't hurt so much, I'd suggest a happy dance, but...... that ain't gonna happen.

It has been a while since I shared one of the good chuckles Sean and I have had along this journey. (Trust me, we laugh A LOT---way more than we cry.) So today you get a glimpse into our little world of coping with other doctor's office.

Yesterday ,I went to a check-up with the plastic surgeon. (Oh, an update I forgot about--Dr. Lytle was able to remove 2 of my drains, only 4 more to go!) And since that office has become Sean's favorite place to make inappropriate jokes (the first visit involved him being the man behind the curtain with the Quagmire and that creepy old guy from Family Guy sound board). Gratefully the nurses have a fabulous senses of humor and we laugh hysterically at just about everything that happens there.

To truly understand this anecdote indulge me: Put your left hand over your chest (like your are going to use the wrong hand to say the Pledge of Allegiance) and wiggles your fingers. I know nothing happened when you did it, but when I did it went squish squish like a 1980s waterbed. Sounded and felt as creepy as you are imagining, but didn't hurt (that could be the two HUGE pills I took before we left the house, but who's counting).

Nicole's perspective: The doc turns away and gives directions to the nurse in what sounds like English but went by me so fast I didn't catch it all. My mind went immediately to Willy Wonka and like he was whistling to the Oompa Loompas and giving orders for sending me to the juicing machine. I kept waiting to hear him say, "but look quick...." and dancing to begin (see previous paragraph and two HUGE pills comment).

Sean's perspective (keep in mind he is not laying down on the exam table nor has he had the two HUGE pills): Doc turns away and goes over to the counter. He pulls out a syringe and needle. No, not the ordinary one that you have probably all seen at a regular doctor's appointment. BUT instead the one straight out of some freak-tastic Halloween movie. The barrel of the syringe is at least an inch and a half in diameter and the needle is at least 3 inches long. Sean and the doc start exchanging some banter about rusty needles and my looopy world hears "WAAAAhahahahahaha!" followed by a clap of thunder and flickering lights (remember those two HUGE pills--that didn't really happen but we were all laughing like it was). The nurse holds my hand and says, "you won't feel anything." and it was about then that I actually saw the harpoon he was sticking in my non-existent boob. And he really did fill that bad boy with the ick that went squish..... and now I don't go squish anymore.

Hope this made you at least giggle a little. If not, I'll give you one last try, I took my husband with me to the plastic surgeon's office when I was loopy....... Thank GOD it wasn't size picking day, that could have been a disaster.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

Tonight the kids and I went to Mass, and it was the first time in a long time that I was listening with all of my heart. When we were singing "Glory to God in the highest, and peace to people of goodwill..." I started to cry, you know those tears that you can't control and yet you fight anyway. The ones everyone pretends they don't see, but their eyes say they do. In this moment Elizabeth asked me why I was crying, and when I told her I would explain after Mass she reached up and wiped away my tears. Jake wrapped his arms around me, and somehow I didn't fall apart and crumple into a ball on the floor in the middle of the church.

Since we were sitting in the front row (yes, I let the kids pick our seats when it is just us 3 and they like to be able to see everything) I'm certain that Fr. Pat wasn't the only one who had front row seats to our moment. But for the first time along this journey I didn't care who was watching or what they thought. I wonder if they could tell that I didn't know how to explain to her that I am angry, a little lost, and yet I have faith in God. That at moments like this I can find all of my strength in their two small hearts and know that it will all be OK someday.

I feel this need to ask, "why again?" Like there is some answer or some lesson that I have to learn the hard way.  I've had conversations with many different friends and family about this idea that there is some higher purpose to my having to have breast cancer 3 times. I must have missed some important lesson the first two times, although that seems to reek of the movie Groundhog's Day.

A convincing argument in my head, and in my heart, is that I have to learn to ask for and accept help more often. I think it is the asking part in particular that is my challenge. So many people have offered to help, and I am going to let them, I just have to figure out what to ask for help doing. Which, as moms everywhere can understand, is a lot harder than just doing it all yourself.

SO to my many people of goodwill, I will accept your offers and find a place for as much help as I can.



Well this post was waaaaaaaaay more emotional than I intended..... I was really just planning to let you know that after some back and forth between the surgeon and the plastic surgeon we have set a date. On September 27th (yes that is a Saturday) I will have a double mastectomy with reconstruction. It is expected to be about a 12 hour surgery with a night or two hospital stay. I haven't done any online research about what to expect, but doctors everywhere seem to like to say that this is a very painful procedure. Meh, bring it on!!! This tough cookie will come out even stronger in the end.

Crap..... it's back...

There are so many ways to start this post, but I think that direct is best. 

Yep, you read correctly, third time's a charm for me on this breast cancer roller coaster. 

On the 13th, I went for my preventative MRI of the breasts. That evening I got a call from my surgeon that there were two suspicious areas showing up in the left breast. She arranged for a mammogram with ultrasound on the 15th. They were not able to see the same areas in the mammogram nor with the ultrasound. Due to my history (and certainly the knowledge of the doctors) they arranged for, although I think demanded is a better word, an MRI guided biopsy on Monday (I could write an entire post about how much I dislike this procedure). Tuesday, my surgeon called with the preliminary results--both areas are cancerous. 

I apologize for all those reading who are knowledgable on BC and have questions that I should know the answer to but simply don't right now. This diagnosis took me completely off guard. I was expecting an all clear. I was ready to put my teacher wardrobe to work, my PTA mom positive attitude in high gear, and my hockey mom schedule in motion. 

Today, I had strength. I went to my classroom. I said the right things to the right people, and meant it. I sincerely promised to take care of myself and to ask for anything that I might need. 

Tonight, I am weak. I am hiding in my house, grateful to be allowed to just be mad and sad alone. 

Tomorrow, I will stand tall. We will formulate a plan and with the help of so many people I love and cherish I will take on this challenge with determination and whatever else it takes to rid myself of this round of evil.

It's been a loooooong time since I've written

I'm not entirely sure why it is that I haven't written. I pen fantastic and interesting paragraphs in my head all the time. There just doesn't seem to be time to live in the both the electronic world and the real world. Right now it seems that the real world has all of my attention, and that it AWESOME.

So, why actually write now?

First, I have a need to share that everything with my health is going great right now. I have been allowed to extend my oncology appointments to every 3 months! My last mammogram came back all clear. The results to the more extensive genetics test came back and I do not have any of the currently known genetic markers. (Still not 100% sure how I feel about that last one, but since the medical community says that's a good thing I will leave it in the great news paragraph.)

Second, my breast cancer journey has allowed me to reach out and get to know other women on similar journeys. I feel honored that they have allowed me to be a part of one of the most challenging times in their lives. There are two women whose stories are deeply in my heart today and if you are a prayerful person, I ask that you think of them over the next few weeks. They are in two completely different parts of their journey and both are fierce fighters.

Finally, this is mother's day weekend and I am looking forward to some rest and relaxation.

Ha ha! Seriously, that was some serious wishful thinking... 2 baseball practices, 2 hockey games, and a breast cancer fundraiser on Saturday and 2 more hockey games on Sunday, some PTA work, and maybe a little yardwork--nope, no rest for the wicked around here.

As much as I would love for this to be truly a complaint, and for you to have this urge to offer up niceties, it isn't and you shouldn't. I have longed for these days to be a part of my life, and I don't wish them gone. Yes, I said it, as much as I want to be done going to hockey practices and games and balancing schedules, I have a mom life and I love it. I get to talk to moms (and dads) who share in the many facets that make up the Guppy Kids. The friendships and acquaintances that I have built these last few years are some that I hope will grow and last for years to come. AND I get excited just thinking about the new faces and people that I will get to know through this insane schedule that we like to keep.

To all of the hockey moms and not-so-crazy-after-all PTA moms out there, I love ya!

To my mom, I love you!

And the best for last:
To the man who made me a mom, I love you!!!!