So much to tell you!

I have been keeping a list of things I wanted to write about this week.

1. My cancer is not genetic. This is great news for my family (and sort of non-information for me)!!! What it means most importantly to me is that I have not passed this to Elizabeth and her chances of getting breast cancer, while obviously higher, are not in the 60th percentile. It means that all of my females cousins can rest a little easier knowing that their chances of having a genetic mutation on BRAC1 or BRAC2 is very small. Want to know more? I suggest checking out this website http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/BRCA

2a. What is it about farting that is so darn funny? I try and try to find my hubby's (and apparently almost all of the men that enter our home) "pull my finger" offers repulsive, but it just cracks me up that they have that much control!!! Seriously, my friend Laurie and I were talking about it at Christmas time, and it just isn't fair. Men seem to be able to just fart on command, women not so much. AND they seem to sneak out at the most embarrassing moments.... Nowadays, I am so pumped up on laxatives and softeners that most days/nights I sound like I ate an entire pot of chili for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So I say excuse me, and have stopped turning quite so red in the face and hope that it leads to a trip to the bathroom. :)

2b. There is a sub story to this topic. Kids are so excited to be like their parents. Jake is already attempting the "pull my finger" game. His latest attempt is blog worthy. (He is 4 years old in case you need a frame of reference.) He was in the bathroom and we could hear him straining. "Mom can you come pull my finger." After I compose myself, slightly, I do what any good mom would do, I go pull his finger. Nada. I wish I had a camera at that moment the look of utter disappointment and confusion on the little guys face was precious. Then he had a twinkle in his eye, held up both pointer fingers, and said, "Try two."

(I wish I could end the story there, but I feel like you just have to know that two didn't work. Poor guy was so dejected, my father-in-law and I were just about in tears from laughing so hard. Laughter is great medicine.)

3. I love hearing from former students. I love knowing where they are, and what they are doing. This week I got an email from one of my former students. She had heard about my diagnosis and wrote to offer me encouragement and all that good stuff (all of which was well written and heartfelt and appreciated). BUT what touched me the most was not any of her words, but the email address she wrote from. It was from her school account at Michigan State University. I cannot begin to tell you how much that little bit means to me. For it was her not so hot grades in my class that probably kept her from being accepted right out of high school. I have to say that it was very difficult for me to know this information. She is an amazing young woman, but she made a mistake or two in my class and as I've been known to say more than once, "Choices have consequences." She was not accepted to MSU right away. She did a year of community school, reapplied, and was accepted!!!!!!! I am so proud of her for not giving up and getting exactly what she (and I) knew she could do. Proud, proud, proud, proud. 

3. You know those sample magazines that you get in gift bags and see at the doctors office? They offer all sorts of great article ideas on the outside and nothing but ads and junior high essays on the inside? Well, I was desperate and picked one up. It was as expected, with one exception. I read an article about a woman named Kris Carr. She has some crazy cancer that is untreatable, but gratefully slow moving. She has exactly the outlook on life that I strive to have AND she wrote a book (well I think she is up to 3 at this point). It is called Crazy Sexy Cancer, and I never thought I would laugh out loud from reading a cancer book. She is honest and brash..... I will put some of my favorite quotes at the bottom of this post. I hate when a good book ends, so I have been pacing myself to make it last. (I feel like a kid at Halloween rationing the best candy.) 

4. This pacing myself lead me to check out the website that is tied to Kris's books. Crazy Sexy Life is a great forum full of supportive people. BUT I read too much, I found myself not understanding some of the shorthand. I started to look it up, then realized that I didn't know something about my own diagnosis and treatment. I figured one piece out only to find myself seeking answers to more questions, it was a vicious circle. Then I started to compare my answers to questions in the forums, which lead to me freaking myself out. Seriously, I had to stop reading and log off. I had to remind myself that I have confidence in my decisions thus far and that my course of treatment is right for me. But fear is a hard feeling to shake, and I am still seeking answers, but in a better state of mind. (AND if you are looking for a new diet plan that is about being healthy and making better choices--cancer survivor or not-- you might consider checking out Kris's latest book Crazy Sexy Diet. I'm sure it is a great read if nothing else.)

5. My port has stopped bothering me quite as much and I was able to ride my bike a few times. It felt great!!!! I even manage to do 5 push-ups the other night. I have been getting my walks in, and even pondered a slight jog (maybe soon?). My next step is to try a little yoga to build up some strength and flexibility. BUT I think I have set myself a big goal, the Disney Princess Half Marathon. It is scheduled for February 24, 2013 (which happens to line up with our Mid-Winter break for next school year). One of the things THE BOOK suggested was not so much a bucket list, but pick 5 things you have wanted to do but not made the time to do. Life has a way of making you forget to stop and smell the roses or even to dream big. So if ya want to join me for this one, the more the merrier! Disney Princess Half-Marathon

And then there was none

Hair that is.
ALL gone.
No guard on the clippers, kind of gone.
Even did part of it myself.

I don't think that any amount of reading or talking could have made me understand what it means to lose your hair this way. Let's start with the physical. It makes some sort of sense that if you are trying to get rid of fast growing cancer cells that other fast growing cells will also be effected. BUT the fact that it actually hurts your head being there is indescribable (as in weird, not excruciating). I just wanted it off my head, it hurt all day. "How does your hair hurt?" you ask. It pokes you when it has fallen out of your scalp, but not off your head. Its like getting your regular haircut and not being able to change your shirt. Itchy and uncomfortable all over.

Then there is the emotional part. I have been known to gawk and stare (just this side of drooling) at more than my fair share of bald young hotties. Seriously, there is something about a close cropped coif that does it. BUT that image is eternally attached to a MAN.

(ooooo lost my train of thought, too many images----ok, back on track)

I don't usually think of myself as having huge image issues. There are those ups and downs that hit everyone occasionally that I can't help, but as a general rule I've been pretty content with my adult self. But suddenly I find myself avoiding mirrors. At first, it was just the haircut I didn't really want. Then it was the GI Jane, OMG I look like a boy..... I was just starting to get used to seeing exactly how broad my shoulders are and how brown my eyes are. Now the avoidance is not so much because I don't like what I see, but rather because I don't know who it is that I see. The short hair was a woman who could be sick and teach. GI Jane was gaining strength as a mom and pretending to just be that much of a badass that she shaved her hair off. Bald simply screams, "Cancer patient."

Me:"I don't like this role, I don't like that anyone can see it, and I don't like that I can't pretend everything is ok when I want to."
(uproarious laughter, snort)
Myself: "You stupid girl, you have let everyone see it right here. Hell, you have let people feel it right along with you. That is absurd to think that you can/will/want to hide."
Me: But those who have found me here are the same people who would know that I rarely answer "how are you doing?" with "good." They know me well enough to know that I don't hide much from those who care enough to ask, but prefer for strangers to think I have my shit together.
Myself: That's dumb.
I: There is no choice to be made here, it doesn't matter what you want or what you like. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and find the new path. Every person who is now a friend was once a stranger. So perhaps the strangers you meet tomorrow will become new friends you can't live without.
Myself: Suck it up Buttercup.

Bottom of the first hill....

....and I'd like to scream, "STOP the ride I wanna get off!!!"

This morning my hair started to fall out. I have a LOT of hair. Correction, I had a lot of hair. :)

This too shall pass.

Sean, I love you. Thank you for saying the right stuff and meaning it. 

Tonight I will simply say, 

Serenity Prayer- French image, picture by arbycub - Photobucket

A view from the top of the hill

You know the feeling that you have when you are sitting at the top of the first hill on a roller coaster? And, yes, I am aware that my question is a personal one, what do you feel right in that moment, right before the train takes off? Me, I feel a sense of anxiety, childlike-glee, a sense of awe and wonder at the beauty around me, and relief in a matter of moments. That is exactly how my weekend and most of the week have felt.

The Sturgeon household started its first week of Mom's Slowing Down with Easter Vacation. Since I was feeling pretty good (as in having normal moments that could be sustained briefly), we decided to hype up the Marshmallow Drop we read about on the flashing sign at the park entrance near the house. Sadly it took plenty of selling to the kids, but moms and dads were ready to see this for themselves. SO with family rallied, and poor planning on my part for what my health needs would be for this event. (water, who needs it?, chair/blanket? I am not going to get that tired.) We were ready for thousands of marshmallows to be dropped from a helicopter. (My poorly shot video should dissuade you from thinking "thousands of marshmallows" is as big as you think. BUT they did do it 3 times, ages 4 and under, 5-7, 8 and up.)

I hope that my pictures will work right (as in not overlap), but it seems to be escaping me!!!!!!!

What the heck has Aunt Nicole
gotten us to do now.....

Catching up, we have lots to do!!!!

Yeah, I picked mine up from under a
dirty boot and ate it anyway! So?

Cousins!!!! Oh, I mean Captains!!!

Cousins!!!! Oh, I mean Cuties!!!!!

Collective Awwwwwwwwe..... 

The Green Eyed Monster that is jealousy.

Easter weekend had lots of fun, even with a day on the couch thrown in for a good reminder. Easter the Bunny had fun and so did the kids! Plus, I took another leap, no I will call it a release of responsibility, and completely enjoyed letting the Thill Family do Easter dinner. It was wonderful as always! Well, except for Uncle Kevin's latest sabotage of the bits of good manners my children possess. If you thought the pooping stuff out shows from Christmas were funny, then this will crack you up. BUT if you have your own Uncle Kevin, this will crack you up and then you will nod your head with the knowledge that this is going to bite me in the ass at the worst possible moment.... mooning. Yes, they have both unsolicitedly dropped trou' and made some snarky remark. (which, for those who haven't heard my personal favorite unlearnable moment, is a step up from throwing frozen/semi-frozen/maybe-cold dog turds at each other one Christmas). So audience participation #1 what have you done to break bad habits? comment below (and not FB so I can keep the suggestions tied to the post) Please! 

This post is about this week's roller coaster ride from the station to the top of the first hill. I have to say that I am grateful that I have the knowledge that there will be sunny days that I get to enjoy. On Tuesday, I shirked nearly every real responsibility that I had set up for myself, made the trek to the park with the kids, my mom met us there after her bike ride, and we blasted off Rocket Balloons for an hour then played on the playground. Of course reality of how far I can actually push "good days" is starting to sink in. BUT IT WAS SO FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relief from the oh-woe-is-me has been a true effort in Push Past. Push Past the idea that I can't enjoy life as I fight to get better. Some times it takes a cocktail and day in the freezing cold and snow with a best friend to make you realize that moving forward is allowed to be FUN. (see pic of two goofballs who are at the Tiger's game bundled up) So for that, Julie is hereby my Head Cheerleader. :) For her efforts to keep me from spending a fortune at the ballpark, she also gets a badge as an honorary Burke. (however, I still spent a fortune on Tigers stuff at JCPenny--I just got three times the amount of stuff!!)

Distraction came in the form of new invitations to BzzCampaigns. I got my most recent package--Kids Claratin. So far I have given it to them twice, and it seems to do what it says. Jake's runny nose got some relief and his eyes seemed to perk up. Eliz, not so sure she is an allergy case yet.... If you have kids with allergies I have some coupons to pass out ($3 off). Audience participation #2, let me know you will use them and I will send to as many as I can! AND I got a second invite which is more of a challenge. Live Below the Line is apparently an effort to see if you can live off $1.50 for food and drink from May 7-11th. I have accepted, and I don't think organic juicing fits into that budget. BUT it is something to consider in a broader picture, and I am going to ponder it. If you aren't a BzzAgent yet, and you like to get free stuff, tell people what you think about free stuff, like to give people discounts on the free stuff that you try, and don't mind filling out survey's now and then, I suggest I quick trip to www.bzzagent.com. Let me know if you have heard of Live Below the Line, or if you are thinking about challenging yourself/family.

We had a playdate and got to take a short walk. Couldn't pass up the opportunity for this photo opp! (next time we will convince Jakey's buddy to get in there too!)

And finally Chemo day was here again, treatment #2 down, 6 more to go! For my non-math friends, this makes my chemotherapy 25% done!!!!!

This time I had two chemo buddies, my mom and Elizabeth. At the last minute, she decided (really it more like insisted) that she wanted to join us, so we packed a bag of fun for her and were off to a long appointment. When the nurse poked into Pete-the-Port, I warned Elizabeth I might cry and asked if i could borrow Eeyore for a bit. I think she was a little nervous herself, so she didn't hand him over. She did however give me her furry jacket and said that it feels just like Eeyore and is more like my blanky (problem solver or self-serving doesn't matter because I am the one who has more than once given her jacket as a lovey to keep the peace). She also decided that the IV-pole is named Lumiere. It apparently reminds her of the candelabra from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.


This week I will be tackling diet and exercise. This is where the real participation is requested. I am planning for a high fiber, low fat concept. I am not very good at sticking to anything strict so, I guess my real request is for favorite recipes that fit this style. If you have the desire, links to cancer diet plans. AND if there is a nutritionist out there looking for a challenge: Our real need right now is a month plan/sketch that will keep my innards moving (I spared you the nightmare of that story for now), fights breast cancer, lowers cholesterol, tames ulcerative colitis, and is still kid friendly....

(and if that isn't up your alley and you have been dying to share some cancer/breast cancer related site or information with me with me please do!!!) 

I am not Super Mom, she is a fictional character.

I am not Super Mom. Even if I pretend.....  no matter how sparkly my shoes....... or if I have a costume, a damn good attitude, or even a passion to get the job done right.... It is not enough right now. This week was rough and humbling for me.

First came the emotional kryptonite, a haircut. Thank you Tonia (and Starla) for coming down and letting me tackle this one in my own space. It really is a cute cut, and if I had wanted to have short hair it is a great cut. BUT some of you haven't been around all that long, and I can only say that one super short hair bad experience is enough for anyone (junior high into freshman year anyone???? NKOTB hair on a girl was a bad idea--so bad that I am not even willing to look for a picture to share here). I am choosing for now to see it as another bad choice in my life, but I really am not ready for complete hair loss. I just don't want to do it. (insert picture of me stamping my foot, crossing my arms, and pouting....) I wish the phrase, "and you can't make me," were applicable, but it isn't. This will come, and it will not be easy for me.

Then, I attempted to go back to work on Monday. I can't even call it an honest attempt. Just as many of you predicted and warned me about (I really wish I could have gone a bit longer). I hit the proverbial wall. No, I'm  pretty sure I hit an actual wall. I got home on Monday afternoon, crawled onto the couch, and stayed there until Sean woke me at bed time. I was so tired and everything hurt. I hadn't had enough water, enough food, enough rest. When I finally got to bed, I was too tired to cry. I got up Tuesday morning by sheer willpower and a fear of letting my family and friends down. (here is where you have to be reminded that I thought I was Super Woman not just Super Mom) When I finally stopped and looked at myself during my planning hour (with the help of a friend), I was disappointed in myself. I had given in to the workaholic and had stopped being even a shadow of Super Mom. "Family first" is an idea I've heard a lot in the workplace, but I was reminded that it is a phrase with more than just altruistic ideals. My family must come first, and if I am going to struggle to be good at something right now then Super Mom is the challenge I will face.

I also have to add here that I had this idea of how strong I am and how I am going to kick breast cancer ass. I suppose I just didn't think that I was going to have to stop and fight. This is one foe that isn't going to see me coming and step aside. "oh she thinks she's tough, ha! Watch me toy with her a little. She has never had something that doesn't listen to her...." Listen here little mocking tumor, I am going to kick your ass. I will face every last bit of you and all the sacrifices and changes and EVERYTHING. I will win.

Which is all fine and dandy for me to write now, but Tuesday night.... after dragging myself to Dr. O's office with my trooper Jake in tow. Being told that there was no change in size in Big T (but it is a bit soon) and that I have no choice but to slow down. Getting home exhausted again. Feeling like I should be able to do this in stride with my normal life. Watching my happy family play without me. I freaked out. What if I don't beat this?? I wish I could say it was fleeting, but it hung with me for a lot longer than I thought it would. I knew the thought would come, and I told myself that I would be kind enough to myself to not run from it. It was scary. BUT I wish you could have seen how much fun the kids and Sean were having at that moment. "Zombie Apocalyse!!!!!" The laughs, the giggles, they were so happy being silly together. I will never miss another moment like that because I was too dumb to realize that FAMILY FIRST is me making sure MY FAMILY IS FIRST all the time. It was in that moment that I decided that I would listen to those wiser than me and not be returning to work. I cannot be a good teacher and a good mom right now, so I am going to focus on taking care of me for my family.


(side note-- my next post is going to require participation, be ready!)