Halfway celebrations and a setback...

You have read correctly, I am halfway finished with chemo. The "AC series" (what is AC), is over and done with and I couldn't be happier to see something end. From most accounts AC was the more difficult of my chemotherapy treatments, and some say that I am on the easy side of treatment now. So I will throw out a giant "WaaaaaaHOOOOOO!" for that.

Up next is the Taxol chemotherapy and at the same time I start with the drug Herceptin. What does that mean???? It means that I have 4 more chemo treatments, they still happen every other week on Thursdays. The Herceptin chaser will happen every week to start, then every 3 weeks for a full 52 weeks.  (I can hear your jealousy from here.....) Unfortunately, today my white blood cell count was too low (1.7 when normal is between 4.5-10.5, and that range depends on your doctor/age/illness/whatever fabulous thing they have in store for you). I was not able to start this new series, and now everything is pushed back by 7 days. (bonus crap end of the deal, two more of the shots that improve white blood cell counts, but make me feel like I have the flu. Hopefully, two shots won't make me miserable.)

If I had to describe the feeling I have been carrying all day in one word, ANGER. I'm angry that I have more waiting. I'm angry that I don't feel like I'm sick (all being compared to my new normal of course). I'm really angry that I took an assload of steroids today to prep for the treatment and now I have to do all the detox for those without any "benefits"(do you have any idea how much they make me want to eat!?!?!?!). I'm angry that I haven't been very good at maintaining my composure and have probably taken it out waaaay to much on my kids. I'm angry that I have cancer.

BUT tomorrow is a new day. When it comes I am going to let go of my anger (ok not all of it will go just yet, but the little stuff, I can let some of those go for sure). I have 7 more days to celebrate being halfway done, just wait to you read about what I have done so far! My first act of not angry, I'm just gonna be bald for a bit. (unless I'm cold, which happens a lot especially now that places have turned on the air conditioners) Second, I'm going to the Detroit Race for the Cure and going to attempt to run a little of it (even if it is only 100 yards).

Halfway celebrations:
1A.  Another mammogram was done this week to gauge how big the tumor really is now. It was an interesting experience.... OUCH is the first word I have for you. This stupid tumor is so close to my rib cage that it is really hard to get it under the x-ray machine. I can only tell you that I nearly passed out. As in asked for a chair and water because I saw stars. Not being experienced in passing out I can only tell you that for me the "almost" experience was like the feeling you get when you stand up too fast and see stars. Only that they didn't go away right away and I hadn't moved. So I sat, drank my water, and got through all of my pictures. Then I asked for a glass of juice and crackers. While I was waiting for the radiologist to read the pictures, I had an opportunity to talk again with Nurse Nancy the Navigator. :) We were talking and I showed her my boobie binder that I take to all of my doctor's appointments. She was really impressed, but i think that her favorite part was the envelope that I keep all the cards and notes that I have gotten. I showed her some of my favorites, and she saw my coloring book pages from Elizabeth on the cover. Then she gave me more things to read (because she knew that I would read them, her words "lifelong learner")

So the tally of gropers was able to grow by one (total is now 15) and my tumor has shrunk from 3.7cm to 1.6cm. Halfway done and less than half the original size!!!!!

1B. Grosse Pointe North v Grosse Pointe South girls Varsity Soccer game to benefit breast cancer awareness. Almost immediately after I told my classes about the cancer I had a senior girl, Nadia, ask me if she could wear my name on her jersey in this game. (I think it was her asking that made me positive that being open was the best route on this journey, everyone needs to feel like they are helping in their little way. I really like being able to see the little things that remind me of how many people care.)

So proud of this girl!!!!! She has a heart of gold!!!!!!

2. Dinner out with good friends and good laughs. If you haven't had dinner with the love of your life and a best friend from the old days and her handsome hubby in a long time, I highly suggest that you make the time to do it. And pick a restaurant where you can watch the people go by on one side of you table and the cars go by on the other. We chose Palio in Ann Arbor, and got lucky that it was prom night for some school. The laughs started in the parking garage, Sean's first comment, "Elizabeth will never wear a dress like that." I almost peed myself (for the first time). It was a long purple dress, had (spaghetti--for the girls) straps, her make-up was reasonable, hair was a normal looking up-do, but the top of the empire waist had 1 inch holes at the top (maybe three rows worth).... Having been to both homecoming and prom recently, I was rolling and pissed that I couldn't get my camera out fast enough. He forgets my stories of sewing young girls dresses back together in the bathrooms and the number of pictures that I have avoided.

There are a few other sights I have to share. My favorite couple The Dragons. The girl was wearing a pretty white dress with a hand painted dragon on it. It really was gorgeous. Her date, Sean inserts the correction of her tool, had on a white tux jacket with a similar hand painted dragon. OK, I have to admit that in 10 years that will be an awesome picture. (Speaking as one whose mother still has prom pictures hanging in the house.) However, I have to agree that it is an interesting choice. Again, Sean brought up Elizabeth, something along the lines of I hope she never brings THAT home. Again, I laughed (with Corie's support), he has no idea what his daughter is going to be capable of. She is not my mini-me from when I was little..... I haven't met too many grown men who have said no to her requests followed by the batting of those killer brown eyes. Can't wait to see how this plays out. (*insert best wicked witch of the west cackle here* try it out loud, it feels good)

OK, one more, it was really good people watching. AND I think this next one might be a regular sight, so you could catch it. AND it makes me miss being in school when the weather changes, I have no problem telling my students that they are dressed like hussies. Three girls walk by in their little black dresses. I use the word walk loosely as it was more like a cross between a shuffle and a stumble because not one of them could walk in their heels. Unfortunately, walking was the least of their problems. Their dresses were probably all a size too small. You could, well we watched and laughed (and we were sober) and I may even have been guilty of pointing, see the heads of the restaurant patrons turning to stare. I know my bleeding heart friends are soooooo mad at me right now, but I tell you in the words of a wise woman, "someone else has to sit in that chair next." And I think there is special place reserved for me next to my hubby when we are no longer on this Earth, because who was seated right next to us, yup they were.... I wish I could tell you that the story could stop there, but it was entertaining to see what happened next. The girls not only couldn't dress, or walk in their shoes, but they also don't know basic etiquette. (I will excuse the phones out and all texting or whatever, I'm old. I still think if the average entree costs more than $20, and you have to order a salad separately its weird.) I CANNOT excuse the fact that not one of them crossed their legs at the table,not even the girl whose seat faced the street, Main street. If the cars weren't filled with old men and middle aged couples I swear our meal would have been ruined by the honks. My bleeding heart wanted to go over buy a round and tell them all that they were gorgeous and didn't need to show it ALL to prove it. (and I say all because we decided to skip the comedy show and have dessert, and when the girls left Sean and Marcelo got to see it ALL, think Brittany Spears.) So hopefully they will apply the standard mom test of can you touch your toes without a full moon, sit in a chair without sliming it, and walk safely next time.

3. Watched the Juggalos (Sean's hockey team sponsored by Albert's on the Alley in Garden City) play a great game Sunday to make it to the championship round for their Spring season. In regular Nicole fashion, I was busy talking to the other wives and missed Sean's one handed goal. I wish I could tell you first hand it was amazing, or that I had some piece of juicy gossip I could spill, but I can't. I can tell you that the glimmer of pride in his dad's eye means the world to me. I'm glad he didn't miss it. I love going to his games, reminds me of when we were dating. I love that now there are afternoon games and we can bring our kids out afterwards and they make friends as quickly and easily as we do!!!


So that brings us back to my big let down postponement. I have to say thank you to my GPN family for this week's care package. It was filled with all sorts of goodies, but there is one piece that has made my day and my mind think. It has inspired my change of heart about making sure that I keep my head covered in public to avoid the stares and the questions and well meaning people sharing their stories and kids with their innocent questions/comments. If I'm not cold, or feeling like Purple Betty needs a day/night out, then chances are I'm not going to be covered up the next time you see me. Thank you for all the love and support!!!! Lisa, I have a feeling we are going to need more of these...

So now I will work on another week of halfway celebrations.... If you are running/walking the Detroit Race for the Cure think of me and watch for me in my first pink shirt. I think I have done the RFC in some city or another for 11+ years always running/walking with the thought that curing one cancer will lead to more cures. I never thought I would be so grateful for the ladies in pink that have gone to battle before me. So while I still harbor a bit of my F&*K pink because the purple of Alzheimer's is in need of attention now, as I am celebrating my way through breast cancer survivorship I'm going to relent. I am going to be grateful for the support of all the amazing women in the most undesirable and most loving sorority ever.

My life in 2012 sounds like a country song

The new year began with my stepdad passing away. (I'm sure a good song writer would find a way to include the fact that it happened while my brother was reluctantly flying back to Tokyo). Then came the find a lump and be diagnosed with breast cancer verse. AND then Sunday night we almost added the verse where my dog ran away....

Not being much of a country listener, I am hoping that occasionally things work out for the singer.

For me, Bake, my step-dad, was an awesome influence in my life and I have found myself finding hints of him around me quite a lot lately. I often wonder if its because I miss him and want to think that in heaven he is thinking of me or if somehow those we love who have gone to heaven have the desire/means to send us those reminders as encouragement.

Thursday, I will have my final AC chemo treatment. This only marks the halfway point for chemo, but one series done is a damn good reason to be excited and celebrate. Plus, the doctor said that he can no longer feel the lump and I will need to go for another mammogram to ascertain the size of the tumor now. They placed a titanium chip in the tumor when they did the original biopsy in hopes that this would be the outcome in a worst case scenario--which it turned out to be. This means that they know exactly what tissue the tumor was in and exactly what needs to be removed. (oooooo also means that I will probably have more people to add to the gropers list in my next post....)

AND Henry, our dog, was saved by a kind family on the other side of the busy street by our house. The mom told me that he was almost hit twice, and she could tell that he was a family dog. She called the humane society and between them and the city animal control officers and Sean our furry guy was home before lunch time. He was wet and exhausted, I was relieved.

If all of that can have a silver lining, then sure a few of those poor (hot) cowboys and cowgirls have to have it all work out at some point, too.