Halfway celebrations and a setback...

You have read correctly, I am halfway finished with chemo. The "AC series" (what is AC), is over and done with and I couldn't be happier to see something end. From most accounts AC was the more difficult of my chemotherapy treatments, and some say that I am on the easy side of treatment now. So I will throw out a giant "WaaaaaaHOOOOOO!" for that.

Up next is the Taxol chemotherapy and at the same time I start with the drug Herceptin. What does that mean???? It means that I have 4 more chemo treatments, they still happen every other week on Thursdays. The Herceptin chaser will happen every week to start, then every 3 weeks for a full 52 weeks.  (I can hear your jealousy from here.....) Unfortunately, today my white blood cell count was too low (1.7 when normal is between 4.5-10.5, and that range depends on your doctor/age/illness/whatever fabulous thing they have in store for you). I was not able to start this new series, and now everything is pushed back by 7 days. (bonus crap end of the deal, two more of the shots that improve white blood cell counts, but make me feel like I have the flu. Hopefully, two shots won't make me miserable.)

If I had to describe the feeling I have been carrying all day in one word, ANGER. I'm angry that I have more waiting. I'm angry that I don't feel like I'm sick (all being compared to my new normal of course). I'm really angry that I took an assload of steroids today to prep for the treatment and now I have to do all the detox for those without any "benefits"(do you have any idea how much they make me want to eat!?!?!?!). I'm angry that I haven't been very good at maintaining my composure and have probably taken it out waaaay to much on my kids. I'm angry that I have cancer.

BUT tomorrow is a new day. When it comes I am going to let go of my anger (ok not all of it will go just yet, but the little stuff, I can let some of those go for sure). I have 7 more days to celebrate being halfway done, just wait to you read about what I have done so far! My first act of not angry, I'm just gonna be bald for a bit. (unless I'm cold, which happens a lot especially now that places have turned on the air conditioners) Second, I'm going to the Detroit Race for the Cure and going to attempt to run a little of it (even if it is only 100 yards).

Halfway celebrations:
1A.  Another mammogram was done this week to gauge how big the tumor really is now. It was an interesting experience.... OUCH is the first word I have for you. This stupid tumor is so close to my rib cage that it is really hard to get it under the x-ray machine. I can only tell you that I nearly passed out. As in asked for a chair and water because I saw stars. Not being experienced in passing out I can only tell you that for me the "almost" experience was like the feeling you get when you stand up too fast and see stars. Only that they didn't go away right away and I hadn't moved. So I sat, drank my water, and got through all of my pictures. Then I asked for a glass of juice and crackers. While I was waiting for the radiologist to read the pictures, I had an opportunity to talk again with Nurse Nancy the Navigator. :) We were talking and I showed her my boobie binder that I take to all of my doctor's appointments. She was really impressed, but i think that her favorite part was the envelope that I keep all the cards and notes that I have gotten. I showed her some of my favorites, and she saw my coloring book pages from Elizabeth on the cover. Then she gave me more things to read (because she knew that I would read them, her words "lifelong learner")

So the tally of gropers was able to grow by one (total is now 15) and my tumor has shrunk from 3.7cm to 1.6cm. Halfway done and less than half the original size!!!!!

1B. Grosse Pointe North v Grosse Pointe South girls Varsity Soccer game to benefit breast cancer awareness. Almost immediately after I told my classes about the cancer I had a senior girl, Nadia, ask me if she could wear my name on her jersey in this game. (I think it was her asking that made me positive that being open was the best route on this journey, everyone needs to feel like they are helping in their little way. I really like being able to see the little things that remind me of how many people care.)

So proud of this girl!!!!! She has a heart of gold!!!!!!

2. Dinner out with good friends and good laughs. If you haven't had dinner with the love of your life and a best friend from the old days and her handsome hubby in a long time, I highly suggest that you make the time to do it. And pick a restaurant where you can watch the people go by on one side of you table and the cars go by on the other. We chose Palio in Ann Arbor, and got lucky that it was prom night for some school. The laughs started in the parking garage, Sean's first comment, "Elizabeth will never wear a dress like that." I almost peed myself (for the first time). It was a long purple dress, had (spaghetti--for the girls) straps, her make-up was reasonable, hair was a normal looking up-do, but the top of the empire waist had 1 inch holes at the top (maybe three rows worth).... Having been to both homecoming and prom recently, I was rolling and pissed that I couldn't get my camera out fast enough. He forgets my stories of sewing young girls dresses back together in the bathrooms and the number of pictures that I have avoided.

There are a few other sights I have to share. My favorite couple The Dragons. The girl was wearing a pretty white dress with a hand painted dragon on it. It really was gorgeous. Her date, Sean inserts the correction of her tool, had on a white tux jacket with a similar hand painted dragon. OK, I have to admit that in 10 years that will be an awesome picture. (Speaking as one whose mother still has prom pictures hanging in the house.) However, I have to agree that it is an interesting choice. Again, Sean brought up Elizabeth, something along the lines of I hope she never brings THAT home. Again, I laughed (with Corie's support), he has no idea what his daughter is going to be capable of. She is not my mini-me from when I was little..... I haven't met too many grown men who have said no to her requests followed by the batting of those killer brown eyes. Can't wait to see how this plays out. (*insert best wicked witch of the west cackle here* try it out loud, it feels good)

OK, one more, it was really good people watching. AND I think this next one might be a regular sight, so you could catch it. AND it makes me miss being in school when the weather changes, I have no problem telling my students that they are dressed like hussies. Three girls walk by in their little black dresses. I use the word walk loosely as it was more like a cross between a shuffle and a stumble because not one of them could walk in their heels. Unfortunately, walking was the least of their problems. Their dresses were probably all a size too small. You could, well we watched and laughed (and we were sober) and I may even have been guilty of pointing, see the heads of the restaurant patrons turning to stare. I know my bleeding heart friends are soooooo mad at me right now, but I tell you in the words of a wise woman, "someone else has to sit in that chair next." And I think there is special place reserved for me next to my hubby when we are no longer on this Earth, because who was seated right next to us, yup they were.... I wish I could tell you that the story could stop there, but it was entertaining to see what happened next. The girls not only couldn't dress, or walk in their shoes, but they also don't know basic etiquette. (I will excuse the phones out and all texting or whatever, I'm old. I still think if the average entree costs more than $20, and you have to order a salad separately its weird.) I CANNOT excuse the fact that not one of them crossed their legs at the table,not even the girl whose seat faced the street, Main street. If the cars weren't filled with old men and middle aged couples I swear our meal would have been ruined by the honks. My bleeding heart wanted to go over buy a round and tell them all that they were gorgeous and didn't need to show it ALL to prove it. (and I say all because we decided to skip the comedy show and have dessert, and when the girls left Sean and Marcelo got to see it ALL, think Brittany Spears.) So hopefully they will apply the standard mom test of can you touch your toes without a full moon, sit in a chair without sliming it, and walk safely next time.

3. Watched the Juggalos (Sean's hockey team sponsored by Albert's on the Alley in Garden City) play a great game Sunday to make it to the championship round for their Spring season. In regular Nicole fashion, I was busy talking to the other wives and missed Sean's one handed goal. I wish I could tell you first hand it was amazing, or that I had some piece of juicy gossip I could spill, but I can't. I can tell you that the glimmer of pride in his dad's eye means the world to me. I'm glad he didn't miss it. I love going to his games, reminds me of when we were dating. I love that now there are afternoon games and we can bring our kids out afterwards and they make friends as quickly and easily as we do!!!


So that brings us back to my big let down postponement. I have to say thank you to my GPN family for this week's care package. It was filled with all sorts of goodies, but there is one piece that has made my day and my mind think. It has inspired my change of heart about making sure that I keep my head covered in public to avoid the stares and the questions and well meaning people sharing their stories and kids with their innocent questions/comments. If I'm not cold, or feeling like Purple Betty needs a day/night out, then chances are I'm not going to be covered up the next time you see me. Thank you for all the love and support!!!! Lisa, I have a feeling we are going to need more of these...

So now I will work on another week of halfway celebrations.... If you are running/walking the Detroit Race for the Cure think of me and watch for me in my first pink shirt. I think I have done the RFC in some city or another for 11+ years always running/walking with the thought that curing one cancer will lead to more cures. I never thought I would be so grateful for the ladies in pink that have gone to battle before me. So while I still harbor a bit of my F&*K pink because the purple of Alzheimer's is in need of attention now, as I am celebrating my way through breast cancer survivorship I'm going to relent. I am going to be grateful for the support of all the amazing women in the most undesirable and most loving sorority ever.

And then there was none

Hair that is.
ALL gone.
No guard on the clippers, kind of gone.
Even did part of it myself.

I don't think that any amount of reading or talking could have made me understand what it means to lose your hair this way. Let's start with the physical. It makes some sort of sense that if you are trying to get rid of fast growing cancer cells that other fast growing cells will also be effected. BUT the fact that it actually hurts your head being there is indescribable (as in weird, not excruciating). I just wanted it off my head, it hurt all day. "How does your hair hurt?" you ask. It pokes you when it has fallen out of your scalp, but not off your head. Its like getting your regular haircut and not being able to change your shirt. Itchy and uncomfortable all over.

Then there is the emotional part. I have been known to gawk and stare (just this side of drooling) at more than my fair share of bald young hotties. Seriously, there is something about a close cropped coif that does it. BUT that image is eternally attached to a MAN.

(ooooo lost my train of thought, too many images----ok, back on track)

I don't usually think of myself as having huge image issues. There are those ups and downs that hit everyone occasionally that I can't help, but as a general rule I've been pretty content with my adult self. But suddenly I find myself avoiding mirrors. At first, it was just the haircut I didn't really want. Then it was the GI Jane, OMG I look like a boy..... I was just starting to get used to seeing exactly how broad my shoulders are and how brown my eyes are. Now the avoidance is not so much because I don't like what I see, but rather because I don't know who it is that I see. The short hair was a woman who could be sick and teach. GI Jane was gaining strength as a mom and pretending to just be that much of a badass that she shaved her hair off. Bald simply screams, "Cancer patient."

Me:"I don't like this role, I don't like that anyone can see it, and I don't like that I can't pretend everything is ok when I want to."
(uproarious laughter, snort)
Myself: "You stupid girl, you have let everyone see it right here. Hell, you have let people feel it right along with you. That is absurd to think that you can/will/want to hide."
Me: But those who have found me here are the same people who would know that I rarely answer "how are you doing?" with "good." They know me well enough to know that I don't hide much from those who care enough to ask, but prefer for strangers to think I have my shit together.
Myself: That's dumb.
I: There is no choice to be made here, it doesn't matter what you want or what you like. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and find the new path. Every person who is now a friend was once a stranger. So perhaps the strangers you meet tomorrow will become new friends you can't live without.
Myself: Suck it up Buttercup.

Bottom of the first hill....

....and I'd like to scream, "STOP the ride I wanna get off!!!"

This morning my hair started to fall out. I have a LOT of hair. Correction, I had a lot of hair. :)

This too shall pass.

Sean, I love you. Thank you for saying the right stuff and meaning it. 

Tonight I will simply say, 

Serenity Prayer- French image, picture by arbycub - Photobucket

I am not Super Mom, she is a fictional character.

I am not Super Mom. Even if I pretend.....  no matter how sparkly my shoes....... or if I have a costume, a damn good attitude, or even a passion to get the job done right.... It is not enough right now. This week was rough and humbling for me.

First came the emotional kryptonite, a haircut. Thank you Tonia (and Starla) for coming down and letting me tackle this one in my own space. It really is a cute cut, and if I had wanted to have short hair it is a great cut. BUT some of you haven't been around all that long, and I can only say that one super short hair bad experience is enough for anyone (junior high into freshman year anyone???? NKOTB hair on a girl was a bad idea--so bad that I am not even willing to look for a picture to share here). I am choosing for now to see it as another bad choice in my life, but I really am not ready for complete hair loss. I just don't want to do it. (insert picture of me stamping my foot, crossing my arms, and pouting....) I wish the phrase, "and you can't make me," were applicable, but it isn't. This will come, and it will not be easy for me.

Then, I attempted to go back to work on Monday. I can't even call it an honest attempt. Just as many of you predicted and warned me about (I really wish I could have gone a bit longer). I hit the proverbial wall. No, I'm  pretty sure I hit an actual wall. I got home on Monday afternoon, crawled onto the couch, and stayed there until Sean woke me at bed time. I was so tired and everything hurt. I hadn't had enough water, enough food, enough rest. When I finally got to bed, I was too tired to cry. I got up Tuesday morning by sheer willpower and a fear of letting my family and friends down. (here is where you have to be reminded that I thought I was Super Woman not just Super Mom) When I finally stopped and looked at myself during my planning hour (with the help of a friend), I was disappointed in myself. I had given in to the workaholic and had stopped being even a shadow of Super Mom. "Family first" is an idea I've heard a lot in the workplace, but I was reminded that it is a phrase with more than just altruistic ideals. My family must come first, and if I am going to struggle to be good at something right now then Super Mom is the challenge I will face.

I also have to add here that I had this idea of how strong I am and how I am going to kick breast cancer ass. I suppose I just didn't think that I was going to have to stop and fight. This is one foe that isn't going to see me coming and step aside. "oh she thinks she's tough, ha! Watch me toy with her a little. She has never had something that doesn't listen to her...." Listen here little mocking tumor, I am going to kick your ass. I will face every last bit of you and all the sacrifices and changes and EVERYTHING. I will win.

Which is all fine and dandy for me to write now, but Tuesday night.... after dragging myself to Dr. O's office with my trooper Jake in tow. Being told that there was no change in size in Big T (but it is a bit soon) and that I have no choice but to slow down. Getting home exhausted again. Feeling like I should be able to do this in stride with my normal life. Watching my happy family play without me. I freaked out. What if I don't beat this?? I wish I could say it was fleeting, but it hung with me for a lot longer than I thought it would. I knew the thought would come, and I told myself that I would be kind enough to myself to not run from it. It was scary. BUT I wish you could have seen how much fun the kids and Sean were having at that moment. "Zombie Apocalyse!!!!!" The laughs, the giggles, they were so happy being silly together. I will never miss another moment like that because I was too dumb to realize that FAMILY FIRST is me making sure MY FAMILY IS FIRST all the time. It was in that moment that I decided that I would listen to those wiser than me and not be returning to work. I cannot be a good teacher and a good mom right now, so I am going to focus on taking care of me for my family.


(side note-- my next post is going to require participation, be ready!)

The BIG C and little me

And so begins a new chapter in my life.....

I will apologize now to those who I know I should call and tell personally, and to those that I probably should have let read this and told personally, things aren't as cheery as I may have appeared recently (nor are they as dark).

On February 11th (it was the Saturday before Valentine's Day--I had to look the date up), I discovered a lump in my right breast. I noticed that there was an indentation in my boob (it looked as if I had been wearing a too small bra--like a sock line after a long day on your feet--only I had been in bed for the night). I did a self exam, and it just didn't feel right. Sean and I were having a rough morning and I kept it to myself until I realized that I was snapping at things that were just dumb. I pushed him into our itty-bitty bathroom, flashed the girls and helped him feel what I found. He was ready to rush to the hospital that moment (*chuckles, he would be concerned about those).

Valentine's Day morning had us (oh, that is me, my hubby, and 3-almost-4 yr old son) in the Ob/Gyn's office for another opinion about the lump. Yet another agreement that it was definitely a lump; one that needed to be looked at more carefully. She wrote a script for a diagnostic mammogram (for those who, like me a month ago, have no idea what that means--they squish your breasts and take x-rays then send you for an ultrasound of your boobs).

March 2nd was Squish Day. After what felt like an eon of waiting for the day to arrive, it came on what was supposed to be one of the best days of the year. We were FINALLY signing on our new house. We did the final walk through on the house at 10am. Squish was scheduled for 1:30pm. Signing was at 3pm. All started ok, I LOVE THIS HOUSE!!!!!!! Arrived at Oakwood Breast Care Center on time.

**for those not in the know, when you get a mammogram you are taken to a locker room of sorts given a half-hospital gown to put on and asked to wait in a secondary waiting room with a bunch of other women. For the sake of my male friends, I will even describe this scene as a roomful of other women who are also without their own shirts. While not the scene they are all picturing, it was not scary even though I was terrified.

The kind woman who took my first mammogram was perfect. She told me exactly what was going to happen and made sure that there were no surprises. While not the most comfortable feeling in the world, it wasn't nearly as painful as I was expecting. (for the sake of those who are counting--I'm a math teacher, its what I do--this makes person #4 to do a boob check) She passed me off to the Ultrasound Technician, Debbie (#5). Neither of them were chatty. Neither of them gave any sign that this test was going well. More than once it was said that I can be glad that this isn't ten years ago.... Debbie took her time and looked very serious throughout my rub down. She was calm, and kind, but the vibe in the room was cold prickles not warm fuzzies. When she finished she went out and got the radiologist. They were gone for what felt like eons, but they came back into the ultrasound room together. He copped his own feel (#6) and then started talking. "it looks like it is about 3cm" "it seems to be moving" "you're young" "it needs to be biopsied and it will need to be removed regardless of the result" So I asked if was definitely cancerous, or what did he think. His response will be stuck in my head forever, "it is more than likely cancerous, but needs to be biopsied to be certain." Then I get a bit of a wah-wah-wah Charlie Brown's teacher effect of what was said next.... I was taken back to the locker room and got dressed and had to wait for another nurse to come get me to schedule biopsy.

It is now 2:45pm, I am supposed to be 25 miles away having the best day of 2012 so far, and I am in a room waiting to talk about how to find out whether or not I have cancer.... If you don't know my husband, well actually it may be more for those who do know him, he is 100% supportive and patient when it comes to our family's health. He tells me to take my time and be careful, he sounds more upset that it wasn't quick than upset because I am late. Nurse Nancy the Navigator (seriously, i can't make that stuff up) tells me about the biopsy procedure, sets the first available date, and with words of support and good luck sends me on my way to the closing.

In the rain, through a traffic jam, and getting lost I made it to the title office. Along the way Nurse Nancy calls and tells me that she convinced someone else to give up an earlier appointment and that she will email me the information since I was driving. I really like Nurse Nancy. My hubby has gone through all the papers and done his signing part. I arrive at 4pm, apologize profusely, and start signing my name on what feels like a million sheets of paper. (listening in my head to Mom Dolin and Niki yelling at me, but trusting that this part HAS to be ok.) by 4:30 we have the keys to our NEW HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 3 is MOVING DAY!!!! I LOVE MY NEW HOUSE!!!!!

And then there were boxes, and more boxes, and more boxes..... each distraction better than the next.

I won't bore you with the teaching challenges for that week, but trust me it was one of those weeks. BUt to lighten things up, I had my annual exam at the ob/gyn and since there was a student with my doc we can increase the tally to #7. :)

Thursday, March 8th, 7:30AM armed with all the good luck I was wished I went for my biopsy. It was a needle biopsy which I expected to be painful and combatted my fear by bringing my hubby along (only to discover that there is no secret passageway for a male to get through to the inner sanctum). So with my mom at home watching Jake, and Sean sitting in the waiting room I faced the needle alone. **For the record it is probably all the better that my mom wasn't there, she passed out when they were doing a routine poke to my face when I was younger. I can't even imagine what might have happened with this.**

I was lucky enough to have Debbie the ultrasound lady and a female radiologist (#8) doing the poke. While they numbed my boob they again reiterated that i was sooo lucky to be now and not ten years ago. The procedure was quick and I felt as though it was loud. Maybe that was from the vibration of the machine, but I can honestly say that I was starting to get scared. There was not much talk of it might be good news, when I expressed that to Sean and Mom later they both poo-poo'd me and I agreed I was really stressed and I wasn't listening carefully.

It takes 48 hours to get biopsy results. It was a long weekend for everyone.

On Monday, my Ob/Gyn called me, and when i didn't answer the second call, they called my husband who emailed Julie, who told me I HAD to call the office. I called at the start of 7th hour. I started the conversation with, "I am standing in front of my class right now." I agreed to call back at 3:05. At 3:07, I was being told to get a pencil and write down "malignant invasive ductal carcinoma at least intermediate grade." After assuring Kathryn that I was in the best place I could be to get this news. I called Sean. I don't even know if I told him what I wrote down, I know I said it's cancer and I cried. I'm pretty sure he did too. I pulled myself "together" and walked out of my room only to discover that there were 2 young women waiting for me. I asked them to come back.... OK truth be told, I thought about just helping them with their questions, but I couldn't do it. I walked to Julie's room and then to the office and then back to my room and waited for the troops to find me. I have the best coworkers and friends on the planet.

Tuesday, holy crap that is today, I had my previously scheduled appointment with the breast surgeon (#8). (I had been told that the lump needed to come out regardless so I took the first appointment they could make.) At 10:30 today, 12 hours ago, I started my battle with breast cancer. Sean and I listened to what the surgeon, Dr. Pawlik, had to say and we asked a lot of questions.

What's next? What do we do? ....... and all the others we thought of that aren't in my head now.
So, I am not going to bite off more than I can chew. We are going to take each step we are given and move as aggressively as we can.

I am young, this makes me rare but increasing in number. The lump may or may not be attached to the muscles, I will have a MRI and a PET-CT to gather more information. MRI is on Thursday. I need an oncologist, someone who will be aggressive and who will not let me put my head in the sand no matter how much I want to. I have an appointment to meet someone that fits that mold Friday, if the current trend in recommendations is any indicator I have confidence that he will be my guy. I even met with a plastic surgeon today (#9) to discuss options if I have to have a mastectomy. I will be tested to see what my genetics say about this cancer thing and how that will effect my treatment.

I will be OK. I am strong. I am brave. I am armed with questions and I have so many people to hold me up that I have no doubt that I will win this battle no matter how long or rough the road is.

Uncertainty after a long day....

I've done a lot of reading and introspection tonight. And I am delighted to report that it has been completely fruitless.... yes, delighted. If I had been able to find the answers to my questions (namely what's next?) I think that it would have been disappointing.... or terrifying since the answers were that easy to find and I hadn't been looking.

I think often about what I would do if I weren't a teacher. I'm not sure I would be particularly good at anything else. AND I am certain that I wouldn't enjoy anything else as much as I do teaching. BUT is the teaching profession right for me.

For the record, I usually have these kinds of nights when I think that I haven't done enough to help my students succeed at the day's lesson. BUT today feels different, I feel like I have had a glimpse into the future and while I can say that I don't really need to react quickly I can say that a reaction is going to be needed. SO how to react and when to react are the thoughts I am thinking. There are two sentiments that are driving my current thoughts.

My first sentiment is: Students today are not willing to think, to try, to struggle. They have been so conditioned to find the right answer that they come in to my room, sit, and wait for me to do it. When I give them a chance to try it and it isn't exactly the same format as the example they just stop. When I write the step by step directions out and give more time, they write the directions diligently, then sit and wait. I can poke, prod, encourage, question, attempt to use every skill I have learned along this journey and still they sit...... why do they do that?????

My second sentiment: what can I do better? (which then makes me fall back to my first sentiment and how do I battle that) Thus the reading and introspection. There are lots of things I would like to try, but they all require kids to take risks or work independently or take on some responsibilities.... and that is exactly what is currently my frustration.

So the vicious cycle goes.

My next new thing to try: flipping the classroom. (see sentiment #1 for why I haven't jumped in head first just yet)