The TPA is looking for a few good birds (that's the Turkey Protection Agency)

Cancer update= On Friday, I had radiation treatment #15 of 33. Still have to drag myself into the hospital, but a good friend gave me a song to help me through, One Foot First by Rosetta Pebble (find them online). I highly recommend listening carefully, the lyrics are very inspiring and they make me smile.

That's small potatoes right now though. I am in the midst of a new crisis. I knew I would struggle with this particular parenting issue. I just thought I had a few more years before I had to learn this lesson. The following is the assignment that was sent home for Miss Herself to work on this weekend:

Save the Turkey!

Dear Families,

We are asking all of our students to take the attached undressed turkey and give him a disguise so he is saved from being the main course at Thanksgiving dinner. You may take on a theme or just have fun dressing the turkey any way that you wish. In the past, some have been dressed like football players, dancers, etc... Cut out the turkey and glue him on the colored construction paper. Then use items around your house or yard to disguise him. Seeds, beans, leaves, fabric, or buttons are some possibilities. This can be a family event with moms and dads helping their (second) grader!

This is also a creative writing assignment. Students must then write 4 sentences about their turkey explaining the story behind his/her disguise. Use the attached checklist as a guide. Remember - have some fun and be creative with this!

I can't just do this for her???.... even if it is fun and the directions say I can help.
Why can't I do the Turkey assignment for my 2nd grader all by myself?
Does the teacher not know that I am a creative control freak?
Does she understand how hard it is for me not to take my daughter's story and run with it?
Or even worse, we are supposed to create a disguise... together...
OMG, I think the teacher is trying to kill me.

Yes, I know the directions say it can be a family event, but we all know that means that parents are allowed to guide but are supposed to take a support role, taking orders from the little dictator about what is and isn't allowed in the disguise. Letting them write and learn about being creative in the writing process. Offering ideas and patiently allowing them to be shot down by an attitude that rivals any teenage girl's best 'tude. There should have been a disclaimer that this was really an activity in perseverance and patience for all parents with a shred of creative desire.

So I made Miss Herself a deal, I would write a blog post about her assignment and post her turkey and story for all to read. I can take credit for the helmet and skates (I am supposed to finish them because she had to go to bed). Other than those two, it is all her work--ideas and writing 100% her own. I am going to include her "sloppy copy" because it is almost as entertaining as the real deal.

(and sitting here with her while we both wrote and created really was a lot of fun! I think we might have to do this more often.

Want to make Miss Herself's week? Create your own turkey with a disguise and story then send it to us! We will share what we collect with her class and here!!!
Twitter: @guppy_mom or via email: nicole c sturgeon at gmail dot com

This is the turkey that needs to be saved!

Looking forward to some Thanksgiving fun!

Halfway celebrations and a setback...

You have read correctly, I am halfway finished with chemo. The "AC series" (what is AC), is over and done with and I couldn't be happier to see something end. From most accounts AC was the more difficult of my chemotherapy treatments, and some say that I am on the easy side of treatment now. So I will throw out a giant "WaaaaaaHOOOOOO!" for that.

Up next is the Taxol chemotherapy and at the same time I start with the drug Herceptin. What does that mean???? It means that I have 4 more chemo treatments, they still happen every other week on Thursdays. The Herceptin chaser will happen every week to start, then every 3 weeks for a full 52 weeks.  (I can hear your jealousy from here.....) Unfortunately, today my white blood cell count was too low (1.7 when normal is between 4.5-10.5, and that range depends on your doctor/age/illness/whatever fabulous thing they have in store for you). I was not able to start this new series, and now everything is pushed back by 7 days. (bonus crap end of the deal, two more of the shots that improve white blood cell counts, but make me feel like I have the flu. Hopefully, two shots won't make me miserable.)

If I had to describe the feeling I have been carrying all day in one word, ANGER. I'm angry that I have more waiting. I'm angry that I don't feel like I'm sick (all being compared to my new normal of course). I'm really angry that I took an assload of steroids today to prep for the treatment and now I have to do all the detox for those without any "benefits"(do you have any idea how much they make me want to eat!?!?!?!). I'm angry that I haven't been very good at maintaining my composure and have probably taken it out waaaay to much on my kids. I'm angry that I have cancer.

BUT tomorrow is a new day. When it comes I am going to let go of my anger (ok not all of it will go just yet, but the little stuff, I can let some of those go for sure). I have 7 more days to celebrate being halfway done, just wait to you read about what I have done so far! My first act of not angry, I'm just gonna be bald for a bit. (unless I'm cold, which happens a lot especially now that places have turned on the air conditioners) Second, I'm going to the Detroit Race for the Cure and going to attempt to run a little of it (even if it is only 100 yards).

Halfway celebrations:
1A.  Another mammogram was done this week to gauge how big the tumor really is now. It was an interesting experience.... OUCH is the first word I have for you. This stupid tumor is so close to my rib cage that it is really hard to get it under the x-ray machine. I can only tell you that I nearly passed out. As in asked for a chair and water because I saw stars. Not being experienced in passing out I can only tell you that for me the "almost" experience was like the feeling you get when you stand up too fast and see stars. Only that they didn't go away right away and I hadn't moved. So I sat, drank my water, and got through all of my pictures. Then I asked for a glass of juice and crackers. While I was waiting for the radiologist to read the pictures, I had an opportunity to talk again with Nurse Nancy the Navigator. :) We were talking and I showed her my boobie binder that I take to all of my doctor's appointments. She was really impressed, but i think that her favorite part was the envelope that I keep all the cards and notes that I have gotten. I showed her some of my favorites, and she saw my coloring book pages from Elizabeth on the cover. Then she gave me more things to read (because she knew that I would read them, her words "lifelong learner")

So the tally of gropers was able to grow by one (total is now 15) and my tumor has shrunk from 3.7cm to 1.6cm. Halfway done and less than half the original size!!!!!

1B. Grosse Pointe North v Grosse Pointe South girls Varsity Soccer game to benefit breast cancer awareness. Almost immediately after I told my classes about the cancer I had a senior girl, Nadia, ask me if she could wear my name on her jersey in this game. (I think it was her asking that made me positive that being open was the best route on this journey, everyone needs to feel like they are helping in their little way. I really like being able to see the little things that remind me of how many people care.)

So proud of this girl!!!!! She has a heart of gold!!!!!!

2. Dinner out with good friends and good laughs. If you haven't had dinner with the love of your life and a best friend from the old days and her handsome hubby in a long time, I highly suggest that you make the time to do it. And pick a restaurant where you can watch the people go by on one side of you table and the cars go by on the other. We chose Palio in Ann Arbor, and got lucky that it was prom night for some school. The laughs started in the parking garage, Sean's first comment, "Elizabeth will never wear a dress like that." I almost peed myself (for the first time). It was a long purple dress, had (spaghetti--for the girls) straps, her make-up was reasonable, hair was a normal looking up-do, but the top of the empire waist had 1 inch holes at the top (maybe three rows worth).... Having been to both homecoming and prom recently, I was rolling and pissed that I couldn't get my camera out fast enough. He forgets my stories of sewing young girls dresses back together in the bathrooms and the number of pictures that I have avoided.

There are a few other sights I have to share. My favorite couple The Dragons. The girl was wearing a pretty white dress with a hand painted dragon on it. It really was gorgeous. Her date, Sean inserts the correction of her tool, had on a white tux jacket with a similar hand painted dragon. OK, I have to admit that in 10 years that will be an awesome picture. (Speaking as one whose mother still has prom pictures hanging in the house.) However, I have to agree that it is an interesting choice. Again, Sean brought up Elizabeth, something along the lines of I hope she never brings THAT home. Again, I laughed (with Corie's support), he has no idea what his daughter is going to be capable of. She is not my mini-me from when I was little..... I haven't met too many grown men who have said no to her requests followed by the batting of those killer brown eyes. Can't wait to see how this plays out. (*insert best wicked witch of the west cackle here* try it out loud, it feels good)

OK, one more, it was really good people watching. AND I think this next one might be a regular sight, so you could catch it. AND it makes me miss being in school when the weather changes, I have no problem telling my students that they are dressed like hussies. Three girls walk by in their little black dresses. I use the word walk loosely as it was more like a cross between a shuffle and a stumble because not one of them could walk in their heels. Unfortunately, walking was the least of their problems. Their dresses were probably all a size too small. You could, well we watched and laughed (and we were sober) and I may even have been guilty of pointing, see the heads of the restaurant patrons turning to stare. I know my bleeding heart friends are soooooo mad at me right now, but I tell you in the words of a wise woman, "someone else has to sit in that chair next." And I think there is special place reserved for me next to my hubby when we are no longer on this Earth, because who was seated right next to us, yup they were.... I wish I could tell you that the story could stop there, but it was entertaining to see what happened next. The girls not only couldn't dress, or walk in their shoes, but they also don't know basic etiquette. (I will excuse the phones out and all texting or whatever, I'm old. I still think if the average entree costs more than $20, and you have to order a salad separately its weird.) I CANNOT excuse the fact that not one of them crossed their legs at the table,not even the girl whose seat faced the street, Main street. If the cars weren't filled with old men and middle aged couples I swear our meal would have been ruined by the honks. My bleeding heart wanted to go over buy a round and tell them all that they were gorgeous and didn't need to show it ALL to prove it. (and I say all because we decided to skip the comedy show and have dessert, and when the girls left Sean and Marcelo got to see it ALL, think Brittany Spears.) So hopefully they will apply the standard mom test of can you touch your toes without a full moon, sit in a chair without sliming it, and walk safely next time.

3. Watched the Juggalos (Sean's hockey team sponsored by Albert's on the Alley in Garden City) play a great game Sunday to make it to the championship round for their Spring season. In regular Nicole fashion, I was busy talking to the other wives and missed Sean's one handed goal. I wish I could tell you first hand it was amazing, or that I had some piece of juicy gossip I could spill, but I can't. I can tell you that the glimmer of pride in his dad's eye means the world to me. I'm glad he didn't miss it. I love going to his games, reminds me of when we were dating. I love that now there are afternoon games and we can bring our kids out afterwards and they make friends as quickly and easily as we do!!!


So that brings us back to my big let down postponement. I have to say thank you to my GPN family for this week's care package. It was filled with all sorts of goodies, but there is one piece that has made my day and my mind think. It has inspired my change of heart about making sure that I keep my head covered in public to avoid the stares and the questions and well meaning people sharing their stories and kids with their innocent questions/comments. If I'm not cold, or feeling like Purple Betty needs a day/night out, then chances are I'm not going to be covered up the next time you see me. Thank you for all the love and support!!!! Lisa, I have a feeling we are going to need more of these...

So now I will work on another week of halfway celebrations.... If you are running/walking the Detroit Race for the Cure think of me and watch for me in my first pink shirt. I think I have done the RFC in some city or another for 11+ years always running/walking with the thought that curing one cancer will lead to more cures. I never thought I would be so grateful for the ladies in pink that have gone to battle before me. So while I still harbor a bit of my F&*K pink because the purple of Alzheimer's is in need of attention now, as I am celebrating my way through breast cancer survivorship I'm going to relent. I am going to be grateful for the support of all the amazing women in the most undesirable and most loving sorority ever.

So much to tell you!

I have been keeping a list of things I wanted to write about this week.

1. My cancer is not genetic. This is great news for my family (and sort of non-information for me)!!! What it means most importantly to me is that I have not passed this to Elizabeth and her chances of getting breast cancer, while obviously higher, are not in the 60th percentile. It means that all of my females cousins can rest a little easier knowing that their chances of having a genetic mutation on BRAC1 or BRAC2 is very small. Want to know more? I suggest checking out this website http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/BRCA

2a. What is it about farting that is so darn funny? I try and try to find my hubby's (and apparently almost all of the men that enter our home) "pull my finger" offers repulsive, but it just cracks me up that they have that much control!!! Seriously, my friend Laurie and I were talking about it at Christmas time, and it just isn't fair. Men seem to be able to just fart on command, women not so much. AND they seem to sneak out at the most embarrassing moments.... Nowadays, I am so pumped up on laxatives and softeners that most days/nights I sound like I ate an entire pot of chili for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So I say excuse me, and have stopped turning quite so red in the face and hope that it leads to a trip to the bathroom. :)

2b. There is a sub story to this topic. Kids are so excited to be like their parents. Jake is already attempting the "pull my finger" game. His latest attempt is blog worthy. (He is 4 years old in case you need a frame of reference.) He was in the bathroom and we could hear him straining. "Mom can you come pull my finger." After I compose myself, slightly, I do what any good mom would do, I go pull his finger. Nada. I wish I had a camera at that moment the look of utter disappointment and confusion on the little guys face was precious. Then he had a twinkle in his eye, held up both pointer fingers, and said, "Try two."

(I wish I could end the story there, but I feel like you just have to know that two didn't work. Poor guy was so dejected, my father-in-law and I were just about in tears from laughing so hard. Laughter is great medicine.)

3. I love hearing from former students. I love knowing where they are, and what they are doing. This week I got an email from one of my former students. She had heard about my diagnosis and wrote to offer me encouragement and all that good stuff (all of which was well written and heartfelt and appreciated). BUT what touched me the most was not any of her words, but the email address she wrote from. It was from her school account at Michigan State University. I cannot begin to tell you how much that little bit means to me. For it was her not so hot grades in my class that probably kept her from being accepted right out of high school. I have to say that it was very difficult for me to know this information. She is an amazing young woman, but she made a mistake or two in my class and as I've been known to say more than once, "Choices have consequences." She was not accepted to MSU right away. She did a year of community school, reapplied, and was accepted!!!!!!! I am so proud of her for not giving up and getting exactly what she (and I) knew she could do. Proud, proud, proud, proud. 

3. You know those sample magazines that you get in gift bags and see at the doctors office? They offer all sorts of great article ideas on the outside and nothing but ads and junior high essays on the inside? Well, I was desperate and picked one up. It was as expected, with one exception. I read an article about a woman named Kris Carr. She has some crazy cancer that is untreatable, but gratefully slow moving. She has exactly the outlook on life that I strive to have AND she wrote a book (well I think she is up to 3 at this point). It is called Crazy Sexy Cancer, and I never thought I would laugh out loud from reading a cancer book. She is honest and brash..... I will put some of my favorite quotes at the bottom of this post. I hate when a good book ends, so I have been pacing myself to make it last. (I feel like a kid at Halloween rationing the best candy.) 

4. This pacing myself lead me to check out the website that is tied to Kris's books. Crazy Sexy Life is a great forum full of supportive people. BUT I read too much, I found myself not understanding some of the shorthand. I started to look it up, then realized that I didn't know something about my own diagnosis and treatment. I figured one piece out only to find myself seeking answers to more questions, it was a vicious circle. Then I started to compare my answers to questions in the forums, which lead to me freaking myself out. Seriously, I had to stop reading and log off. I had to remind myself that I have confidence in my decisions thus far and that my course of treatment is right for me. But fear is a hard feeling to shake, and I am still seeking answers, but in a better state of mind. (AND if you are looking for a new diet plan that is about being healthy and making better choices--cancer survivor or not-- you might consider checking out Kris's latest book Crazy Sexy Diet. I'm sure it is a great read if nothing else.)

5. My port has stopped bothering me quite as much and I was able to ride my bike a few times. It felt great!!!! I even manage to do 5 push-ups the other night. I have been getting my walks in, and even pondered a slight jog (maybe soon?). My next step is to try a little yoga to build up some strength and flexibility. BUT I think I have set myself a big goal, the Disney Princess Half Marathon. It is scheduled for February 24, 2013 (which happens to line up with our Mid-Winter break for next school year). One of the things THE BOOK suggested was not so much a bucket list, but pick 5 things you have wanted to do but not made the time to do. Life has a way of making you forget to stop and smell the roses or even to dream big. So if ya want to join me for this one, the more the merrier! Disney Princess Half-Marathon

I am not Super Mom, she is a fictional character.

I am not Super Mom. Even if I pretend.....  no matter how sparkly my shoes....... or if I have a costume, a damn good attitude, or even a passion to get the job done right.... It is not enough right now. This week was rough and humbling for me.

First came the emotional kryptonite, a haircut. Thank you Tonia (and Starla) for coming down and letting me tackle this one in my own space. It really is a cute cut, and if I had wanted to have short hair it is a great cut. BUT some of you haven't been around all that long, and I can only say that one super short hair bad experience is enough for anyone (junior high into freshman year anyone???? NKOTB hair on a girl was a bad idea--so bad that I am not even willing to look for a picture to share here). I am choosing for now to see it as another bad choice in my life, but I really am not ready for complete hair loss. I just don't want to do it. (insert picture of me stamping my foot, crossing my arms, and pouting....) I wish the phrase, "and you can't make me," were applicable, but it isn't. This will come, and it will not be easy for me.

Then, I attempted to go back to work on Monday. I can't even call it an honest attempt. Just as many of you predicted and warned me about (I really wish I could have gone a bit longer). I hit the proverbial wall. No, I'm  pretty sure I hit an actual wall. I got home on Monday afternoon, crawled onto the couch, and stayed there until Sean woke me at bed time. I was so tired and everything hurt. I hadn't had enough water, enough food, enough rest. When I finally got to bed, I was too tired to cry. I got up Tuesday morning by sheer willpower and a fear of letting my family and friends down. (here is where you have to be reminded that I thought I was Super Woman not just Super Mom) When I finally stopped and looked at myself during my planning hour (with the help of a friend), I was disappointed in myself. I had given in to the workaholic and had stopped being even a shadow of Super Mom. "Family first" is an idea I've heard a lot in the workplace, but I was reminded that it is a phrase with more than just altruistic ideals. My family must come first, and if I am going to struggle to be good at something right now then Super Mom is the challenge I will face.

I also have to add here that I had this idea of how strong I am and how I am going to kick breast cancer ass. I suppose I just didn't think that I was going to have to stop and fight. This is one foe that isn't going to see me coming and step aside. "oh she thinks she's tough, ha! Watch me toy with her a little. She has never had something that doesn't listen to her...." Listen here little mocking tumor, I am going to kick your ass. I will face every last bit of you and all the sacrifices and changes and EVERYTHING. I will win.

Which is all fine and dandy for me to write now, but Tuesday night.... after dragging myself to Dr. O's office with my trooper Jake in tow. Being told that there was no change in size in Big T (but it is a bit soon) and that I have no choice but to slow down. Getting home exhausted again. Feeling like I should be able to do this in stride with my normal life. Watching my happy family play without me. I freaked out. What if I don't beat this?? I wish I could say it was fleeting, but it hung with me for a lot longer than I thought it would. I knew the thought would come, and I told myself that I would be kind enough to myself to not run from it. It was scary. BUT I wish you could have seen how much fun the kids and Sean were having at that moment. "Zombie Apocalyse!!!!!" The laughs, the giggles, they were so happy being silly together. I will never miss another moment like that because I was too dumb to realize that FAMILY FIRST is me making sure MY FAMILY IS FIRST all the time. It was in that moment that I decided that I would listen to those wiser than me and not be returning to work. I cannot be a good teacher and a good mom right now, so I am going to focus on taking care of me for my family.


(side note-- my next post is going to require participation, be ready!)

Uncertainty after a long day....

I've done a lot of reading and introspection tonight. And I am delighted to report that it has been completely fruitless.... yes, delighted. If I had been able to find the answers to my questions (namely what's next?) I think that it would have been disappointing.... or terrifying since the answers were that easy to find and I hadn't been looking.

I think often about what I would do if I weren't a teacher. I'm not sure I would be particularly good at anything else. AND I am certain that I wouldn't enjoy anything else as much as I do teaching. BUT is the teaching profession right for me.

For the record, I usually have these kinds of nights when I think that I haven't done enough to help my students succeed at the day's lesson. BUT today feels different, I feel like I have had a glimpse into the future and while I can say that I don't really need to react quickly I can say that a reaction is going to be needed. SO how to react and when to react are the thoughts I am thinking. There are two sentiments that are driving my current thoughts.

My first sentiment is: Students today are not willing to think, to try, to struggle. They have been so conditioned to find the right answer that they come in to my room, sit, and wait for me to do it. When I give them a chance to try it and it isn't exactly the same format as the example they just stop. When I write the step by step directions out and give more time, they write the directions diligently, then sit and wait. I can poke, prod, encourage, question, attempt to use every skill I have learned along this journey and still they sit...... why do they do that?????

My second sentiment: what can I do better? (which then makes me fall back to my first sentiment and how do I battle that) Thus the reading and introspection. There are lots of things I would like to try, but they all require kids to take risks or work independently or take on some responsibilities.... and that is exactly what is currently my frustration.

So the vicious cycle goes.

My next new thing to try: flipping the classroom. (see sentiment #1 for why I haven't jumped in head first just yet)