The BIG C and little me

And so begins a new chapter in my life.....

I will apologize now to those who I know I should call and tell personally, and to those that I probably should have let read this and told personally, things aren't as cheery as I may have appeared recently (nor are they as dark).

On February 11th (it was the Saturday before Valentine's Day--I had to look the date up), I discovered a lump in my right breast. I noticed that there was an indentation in my boob (it looked as if I had been wearing a too small bra--like a sock line after a long day on your feet--only I had been in bed for the night). I did a self exam, and it just didn't feel right. Sean and I were having a rough morning and I kept it to myself until I realized that I was snapping at things that were just dumb. I pushed him into our itty-bitty bathroom, flashed the girls and helped him feel what I found. He was ready to rush to the hospital that moment (*chuckles, he would be concerned about those).

Valentine's Day morning had us (oh, that is me, my hubby, and 3-almost-4 yr old son) in the Ob/Gyn's office for another opinion about the lump. Yet another agreement that it was definitely a lump; one that needed to be looked at more carefully. She wrote a script for a diagnostic mammogram (for those who, like me a month ago, have no idea what that means--they squish your breasts and take x-rays then send you for an ultrasound of your boobs).

March 2nd was Squish Day. After what felt like an eon of waiting for the day to arrive, it came on what was supposed to be one of the best days of the year. We were FINALLY signing on our new house. We did the final walk through on the house at 10am. Squish was scheduled for 1:30pm. Signing was at 3pm. All started ok, I LOVE THIS HOUSE!!!!!!! Arrived at Oakwood Breast Care Center on time.

**for those not in the know, when you get a mammogram you are taken to a locker room of sorts given a half-hospital gown to put on and asked to wait in a secondary waiting room with a bunch of other women. For the sake of my male friends, I will even describe this scene as a roomful of other women who are also without their own shirts. While not the scene they are all picturing, it was not scary even though I was terrified.

The kind woman who took my first mammogram was perfect. She told me exactly what was going to happen and made sure that there were no surprises. While not the most comfortable feeling in the world, it wasn't nearly as painful as I was expecting. (for the sake of those who are counting--I'm a math teacher, its what I do--this makes person #4 to do a boob check) She passed me off to the Ultrasound Technician, Debbie (#5). Neither of them were chatty. Neither of them gave any sign that this test was going well. More than once it was said that I can be glad that this isn't ten years ago.... Debbie took her time and looked very serious throughout my rub down. She was calm, and kind, but the vibe in the room was cold prickles not warm fuzzies. When she finished she went out and got the radiologist. They were gone for what felt like eons, but they came back into the ultrasound room together. He copped his own feel (#6) and then started talking. "it looks like it is about 3cm" "it seems to be moving" "you're young" "it needs to be biopsied and it will need to be removed regardless of the result" So I asked if was definitely cancerous, or what did he think. His response will be stuck in my head forever, "it is more than likely cancerous, but needs to be biopsied to be certain." Then I get a bit of a wah-wah-wah Charlie Brown's teacher effect of what was said next.... I was taken back to the locker room and got dressed and had to wait for another nurse to come get me to schedule biopsy.

It is now 2:45pm, I am supposed to be 25 miles away having the best day of 2012 so far, and I am in a room waiting to talk about how to find out whether or not I have cancer.... If you don't know my husband, well actually it may be more for those who do know him, he is 100% supportive and patient when it comes to our family's health. He tells me to take my time and be careful, he sounds more upset that it wasn't quick than upset because I am late. Nurse Nancy the Navigator (seriously, i can't make that stuff up) tells me about the biopsy procedure, sets the first available date, and with words of support and good luck sends me on my way to the closing.

In the rain, through a traffic jam, and getting lost I made it to the title office. Along the way Nurse Nancy calls and tells me that she convinced someone else to give up an earlier appointment and that she will email me the information since I was driving. I really like Nurse Nancy. My hubby has gone through all the papers and done his signing part. I arrive at 4pm, apologize profusely, and start signing my name on what feels like a million sheets of paper. (listening in my head to Mom Dolin and Niki yelling at me, but trusting that this part HAS to be ok.) by 4:30 we have the keys to our NEW HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 3 is MOVING DAY!!!! I LOVE MY NEW HOUSE!!!!!

And then there were boxes, and more boxes, and more boxes..... each distraction better than the next.

I won't bore you with the teaching challenges for that week, but trust me it was one of those weeks. BUt to lighten things up, I had my annual exam at the ob/gyn and since there was a student with my doc we can increase the tally to #7. :)

Thursday, March 8th, 7:30AM armed with all the good luck I was wished I went for my biopsy. It was a needle biopsy which I expected to be painful and combatted my fear by bringing my hubby along (only to discover that there is no secret passageway for a male to get through to the inner sanctum). So with my mom at home watching Jake, and Sean sitting in the waiting room I faced the needle alone. **For the record it is probably all the better that my mom wasn't there, she passed out when they were doing a routine poke to my face when I was younger. I can't even imagine what might have happened with this.**

I was lucky enough to have Debbie the ultrasound lady and a female radiologist (#8) doing the poke. While they numbed my boob they again reiterated that i was sooo lucky to be now and not ten years ago. The procedure was quick and I felt as though it was loud. Maybe that was from the vibration of the machine, but I can honestly say that I was starting to get scared. There was not much talk of it might be good news, when I expressed that to Sean and Mom later they both poo-poo'd me and I agreed I was really stressed and I wasn't listening carefully.

It takes 48 hours to get biopsy results. It was a long weekend for everyone.

On Monday, my Ob/Gyn called me, and when i didn't answer the second call, they called my husband who emailed Julie, who told me I HAD to call the office. I called at the start of 7th hour. I started the conversation with, "I am standing in front of my class right now." I agreed to call back at 3:05. At 3:07, I was being told to get a pencil and write down "malignant invasive ductal carcinoma at least intermediate grade." After assuring Kathryn that I was in the best place I could be to get this news. I called Sean. I don't even know if I told him what I wrote down, I know I said it's cancer and I cried. I'm pretty sure he did too. I pulled myself "together" and walked out of my room only to discover that there were 2 young women waiting for me. I asked them to come back.... OK truth be told, I thought about just helping them with their questions, but I couldn't do it. I walked to Julie's room and then to the office and then back to my room and waited for the troops to find me. I have the best coworkers and friends on the planet.

Tuesday, holy crap that is today, I had my previously scheduled appointment with the breast surgeon (#8). (I had been told that the lump needed to come out regardless so I took the first appointment they could make.) At 10:30 today, 12 hours ago, I started my battle with breast cancer. Sean and I listened to what the surgeon, Dr. Pawlik, had to say and we asked a lot of questions.

What's next? What do we do? ....... and all the others we thought of that aren't in my head now.
So, I am not going to bite off more than I can chew. We are going to take each step we are given and move as aggressively as we can.

I am young, this makes me rare but increasing in number. The lump may or may not be attached to the muscles, I will have a MRI and a PET-CT to gather more information. MRI is on Thursday. I need an oncologist, someone who will be aggressive and who will not let me put my head in the sand no matter how much I want to. I have an appointment to meet someone that fits that mold Friday, if the current trend in recommendations is any indicator I have confidence that he will be my guy. I even met with a plastic surgeon today (#9) to discuss options if I have to have a mastectomy. I will be tested to see what my genetics say about this cancer thing and how that will effect my treatment.

I will be OK. I am strong. I am brave. I am armed with questions and I have so many people to hold me up that I have no doubt that I will win this battle no matter how long or rough the road is.

Uncertainty after a long day....

I've done a lot of reading and introspection tonight. And I am delighted to report that it has been completely fruitless.... yes, delighted. If I had been able to find the answers to my questions (namely what's next?) I think that it would have been disappointing.... or terrifying since the answers were that easy to find and I hadn't been looking.

I think often about what I would do if I weren't a teacher. I'm not sure I would be particularly good at anything else. AND I am certain that I wouldn't enjoy anything else as much as I do teaching. BUT is the teaching profession right for me.

For the record, I usually have these kinds of nights when I think that I haven't done enough to help my students succeed at the day's lesson. BUT today feels different, I feel like I have had a glimpse into the future and while I can say that I don't really need to react quickly I can say that a reaction is going to be needed. SO how to react and when to react are the thoughts I am thinking. There are two sentiments that are driving my current thoughts.

My first sentiment is: Students today are not willing to think, to try, to struggle. They have been so conditioned to find the right answer that they come in to my room, sit, and wait for me to do it. When I give them a chance to try it and it isn't exactly the same format as the example they just stop. When I write the step by step directions out and give more time, they write the directions diligently, then sit and wait. I can poke, prod, encourage, question, attempt to use every skill I have learned along this journey and still they sit...... why do they do that?????

My second sentiment: what can I do better? (which then makes me fall back to my first sentiment and how do I battle that) Thus the reading and introspection. There are lots of things I would like to try, but they all require kids to take risks or work independently or take on some responsibilities.... and that is exactly what is currently my frustration.

So the vicious cycle goes.

My next new thing to try: flipping the classroom. (see sentiment #1 for why I haven't jumped in head first just yet)

Endings mean Beginnings

To say that the last month has sucked would be both an understatement and not completely the truth.

Sucked: Bake (my step-dad) passed away on Thursday January 12, 2012 at 4:32pm.
Not so bad: I was there. I got to spend part of his last night/morning just the two of us. I read to him. I slept with my hand on his shoulder. BUT I was not alone at the last moments.

(God moment--really not sucky: When my mom and I ran out of words to say, we prayed too many Our Father's and Hail Mary's to count. There has always been great comfort for me in those prayers, but especially the Hail Mary, and I wish I had a better word to describe those last few moments. But I was comforted by the friends that were with us, and by knowing that the end was near.)

Sucked: I wasn't strong enough to face this battle without my brother.
Really not sucky: He came home. He extended his stay as far as he possibly could. We laughed and remembered together.
Sucked: He left in the morning on Thursday January 12.
Not so bad: While he wasn't here, I wasn't alone. I have friends that I have always thought of as sisters, and they carried me just the way I needed. I learned how to ask for things that I needed, even if they are as simple as a diet coke or as complex as, "yes, I need you to be here. But I have no idea what to ask you to do for me."


So here is to starting a new chapter with a heavy, but joyful heart.

As you listen to the State of the Union tomorrow evening, think of Bake and all of the people who suffer from Alzheimer's disease when President Obama speaks about National Alzheimer's Project Act (NAPA). Remember what this devastating disease does to families. Say a prayer of thanksgiving for all the people that have the strength and heart to be caregivers, nurses, and assistants.

And wear your crazy plaids, polka dots, checks, stripes..... in purple!

$.99 Blackberries

It's been too long since I have written. I have too much to get done to write much....
So I will touch on the most pressing matters for my mind--

Goals-
I have been an epic failure on my grading. Wish I could say it was because I spend too much on my blog. But such as life. AND I love being a teacher because January is a time for renewing those goals and setting new ones.

My Thirty-One business has been ebbing and flowing, and I am not going to make director the way i wanted to and in the time that I want to. I did however "find" an amazing woman and while keeping her as my recruit is looking impossible I can't be anything, but ecstatic for her and her growing team. I love being a consultant, and I am being patient with myself and what life has tossed my way.

Saying no more often, I have gotten much better at this. BUT there is always room for improvement.

(and that bathing suit may even be out of storage in time for Christmas)

Shopping-
Why is it that even when I make time to go shopping I somehow manage to not get what I set out for? Still don't have new school shoes. Add to the list that I now need new pants. I have exactly one pair that actually fit this size body. I gave up a long time ago on my favorites and gave them all away. (Guess I should have blogged about life sooner, then perhaps I would still have some.)

"How is it that a long day and stress induced sadness can be wiped away by a big box of blackberries for $.99?" you ask. If you could have seen the grin on E's face when she brought the empty tray back to the kitchen and heard her say, "I ate them all myself." You would understand why all is right with the world right now.

New Shoes.....

I have my homework done, and I am ready for the insanely busy week ahead, but what I really wanted to accomplish this weekend just didn't get done. New shoes and a pedicure aren't exactly accomplishments, but finding the time to fit them into my life seems to escape me. Just when I think, "today, definitely will have time today," something happens. This weekend it was all the little things that were too much fun to skip for a solo shopping trip.

Friday--Birthday dinner celebration for a good friend. Good sushi, good wine, good times! Kids even managed to con a new sitter into cupcakes without eating dinner and not making them go to bed.

Saturday--Sean had an invite to the Michigan vs EMU game (too bad the Eagles didn't make it more interesting). Kids and I went down to Eastern Market. If you are in the Detroit area and have never made a trip down on a Saturday morning, you must do it. Start with an appeal to your inner cheapskate, the prices on veggies and fruit can't be beat. If you are all about helping the little guy or keeping it local, you can check the signage and talk to the vendors to see where the produce comes from. My favorite part though is how kind people are to children. This weekend while I was buying celery, spinach, and cilantro the woman selling stooped down to help E & J check out a turnip and let them each take one home. The flower guy in the yellow tie-dyed lab coat always makes a comment to make the kids smile.

Sunday--Church was peaceful. I got my car cleaned up (it amazes me how much junk two kids can schlep out in a matter of a week). Decided on this year's Halloween theme (superheros). Sean's hockey game was eventful..... Daddy was in the penalty box once and then kicked out for fighting. Had dinner with good people, whom we have missed, and taught E & J to play skeeball.

So while I have to wear my old school shoes for another week, I am not going to complain. It was a great weekend.

First Week is in the Books

I survived, but it only seems right to include that I barely survived. I am grateful that I have a kind and patient husband (oooh and add understanding, definitely add understanding) who can roll with the punches, friends who are supportive, and administrators who put their money where their mouth is when they say family first. This week was the week that fought back.

So let's decode that first paragraph!
Sean gets the Superparent award for the week.

• Tuesday, he voluntarily took the kids Back-to-School clothes shopping. Where he discovered why I depend on my mother to do a lot of the clothes shopping for the kids. It isn't financial dependence, it's mildly therapeutic for her and it keeps me from having a mental breakdown. Moms simply know how hard it is to contain the wild (although seemingly less wild than other children) beasts and actually look at what is going into the cart. 
• Wednesday, he got to take E to her first day of kindergarten. I have yet to see the pictures, but I'm sure they were all adorable. He reports that she had a few tears going in, but was all smiles coming out. AND there have been no "I don't want to go to school," tears so we will consider it a successful start to the school years. 
• Thursday, my FIL gave us the biggest scare when he took an unexpected trip. Sean managed to call the police/EMS, think he was going find his dad dead, listen to the police call all the area hospitals for a John Doe that matched Dad's description, shed a few tears, AND keep a very intuitive 5 year old from knowing anything was wrong. Did I mention that all of those things happened before 8:00am and Sean still got her to school on time? Superdad.
• AND I have come home late every night, worked on the couch until all hours, and barely managed to hear the answer to, "How was your day?"
• I LOVE YOU!!!!

You can never praise your friends too often. Julie and Kelly this one's for you! I have been thinking of you.

As for my administrators, HOLY CRAP do I work with some great people! Although I am fairly certain that my insanity is forever going to be the new guy's impression of me. (See Thursday bullet point above and adjust for "I must get home, find this old man, and I am not ready for a sub on day 2 of the school year.") They simply said, "family first," and found someone to help me out.

I survived the first week, barely.

Back to School Again

OMG......... OMG..... I have to go back to school? My daughter is going to be a kindergartener? Yikes!

Really, and teachers can back me up on this one, Back to School is a time for resolutions. So I am going to take the advice of the gurus (most recently from another math teacher, Karl Fisch, to his students) and set three for myself.
1. personal--Ask for help when I need it, and say no when I need to.
2. academic--No more than 48 hours between test giving and grading/passing back.
3. social--Focus on Thirty-One. Make Director by my birthday, February 2nd.

As a self declared Yes-Woman this first goal will be a challenge. However, I have made some improvements this summer, and I plan to continue them once we get back to the grind. "No" has gotten easier, but still needs a little more work and a little more use. (sometimes this is going to be me having to say "no" to myself and not another person, which is sooooo much harder)

Organization....that's really what goal #2 is about. However, writing a goal of being more organized is silly and vague. BUT returning tests on time will be tangible and I will be accountable for this goal to someone (lots of someones) else. I have already started work on this goal--My first step is attempting to gain more focus. I have been using my calendar (I have no idea what I would do without a smart phone that links to all the places in my life and is attached at my hip--I bet I would have been a "franklin planner" if I were older). AND I took the giant leap of telling my doctor how much trouble I have been having with focus. Together we decided to give ADHD meds a try for a month to see how they go. My fingers are crossed (as are my hubby's) that this helps me get things done a bit more effciently.

Thirty-One, shameless plug www.mythirtyone.com/64677, is how I am going to force myself to be more social with the women I have in my life. I am a workaholic and I can't think of a better way to get to meet more people than having a party with bags, totes, purses, cards, scarves..... a great break from the chaos of being a mom (and teacher) for me, my hostess, and her guests.  I can't wait to begin to share this great company and all of the products with the women (and men) in my life and with the women I have yet to meet. (drop me a note if you are interested in joining my team or hosting a party)

So what are all the goals that are floating out there?

oh, my not-so-secret secret goal is to fit back in a particular swimsuit....... but I will probably not be updating on that one!