I'm still here!
I've learned a lot.
I've struggled a lot.
I've written nothing, but have many stories to tell.
Here's to hoping that the second half is a little stronger.
~Nicole
p.s. I know these little posts are somewhat pointless. In my defense, I think that there are people who stumble on this little blog of mine from time to time when their story starts to resemble mine. I hope that when they find it, they find comfort in the fact that my story is still being written.
Friday, June 28, 2019
Thursday, February 22, 2018
Still here? Me too!!!
Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully filled with family, friends, crafts, hockey, baseball, running, biking, quiet, noise, or any other thing that sounds like love and adventure. But most likely tomorrow will be filled with regular old stuff where we have to be 100% present if we want to experience true JOY. Or at least hope that our loved ones are 100% engaged so they don't think we are weird for staring at them for no reason other than to see them being happy---that "I swear I am not a creeper, I just want to know what you look like when you are happy" moment when they always tell you to stop looking them.... please tell me I am not the only one.... maybe I'm just the only one who gets caught doing it.
Today, I officially decided to turn this crazy life of mine into a book. Thank you for all of the encouragement, past, present, and future. One page a day and it will get done. The laundry, homemade meals, and the dishes might not, but that is nothing new around here. I padded the page count by copying and pasting all of my previous blog posts so I could start to choose which to keep and which just needs to stay in cyberspace. I toyed with the idea of taking everything down, but I know that somewhere out there is a newly diagnosed cancer patient looking for a survivor story to hold onto like did. Fight on my brave sister! I am still here for you.
A week ago, I had surgery to replace my implants and make my body more comfortable to exist within. There is something to be said for being able to put your arms to your sides without having your boobs get in the way.
Almost a month ago, I turned 40.
Roughly six months ago I lost a dear friend to cancer. I didn't get to know her for long, but our hearts connected. I adore that her daughters find me every time we are at a hockey rink and give me the biggest hugs. May she send butterfly wishes and surprise hugs to brighten random days forever.
Nine months ago, my friend, Rebecca, introduced me to CycleBar Northville and a new addiction was born. It has been over a week since I've ridden and I am going through withdrawal and I've learned how to sleep past 7am. Post-surgery bonus--if my shoulders get strong enough, and aren't the actual problem, I might be able to do double bars since my chest won't be in my way anymore!!! (Oh dear, I hope the CycleStars don't actually read this....)
A year ago, it was so dark inside my head that I felt like I was drowning. I thank God that I am weak and those around me are strong. I wish I had remembered that writing is my outlet (my memoir may have been done instead of starting). These are stories I'm going to save for my book... there has to be something new in there.
Until my next post! 💗
Today, I officially decided to turn this crazy life of mine into a book. Thank you for all of the encouragement, past, present, and future. One page a day and it will get done. The laundry, homemade meals, and the dishes might not, but that is nothing new around here. I padded the page count by copying and pasting all of my previous blog posts so I could start to choose which to keep and which just needs to stay in cyberspace. I toyed with the idea of taking everything down, but I know that somewhere out there is a newly diagnosed cancer patient looking for a survivor story to hold onto like did. Fight on my brave sister! I am still here for you.
A week ago, I had surgery to replace my implants and make my body more comfortable to exist within. There is something to be said for being able to put your arms to your sides without having your boobs get in the way.
Almost a month ago, I turned 40.
Roughly six months ago I lost a dear friend to cancer. I didn't get to know her for long, but our hearts connected. I adore that her daughters find me every time we are at a hockey rink and give me the biggest hugs. May she send butterfly wishes and surprise hugs to brighten random days forever.
Nine months ago, my friend, Rebecca, introduced me to CycleBar Northville and a new addiction was born. It has been over a week since I've ridden and I am going through withdrawal and I've learned how to sleep past 7am. Post-surgery bonus--if my shoulders get strong enough, and aren't the actual problem, I might be able to do double bars since my chest won't be in my way anymore!!! (Oh dear, I hope the CycleStars don't actually read this....)
A year ago, it was so dark inside my head that I felt like I was drowning. I thank God that I am weak and those around me are strong. I wish I had remembered that writing is my outlet (my memoir may have been done instead of starting). These are stories I'm going to save for my book... there has to be something new in there.
Until my next post! 💗
P.S. It is way easier to write a blog post than a book story. Here I can assume you know me, my life, and my family.... Today was definitely the start of something tough.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
It's been how long since I've written....
I'm not even looking....
What have I been doing since obviously writing blog posts isn't one of them? I am very proud to say I have been enjoying life.
This summer I have enjoyed a camping trip to the UP (Upper Peninsula for you non-Michigan readers) with my family. We got to pet baby bears, see a waterfall, visit a shipwreck museum, and even got to try archery. I shared my crazy addiction to cool rocks and the kids walked on the shore of Lake Superior filling their pockets with their own.
Oh, I almost forgot--we got rained out of a camping trip on Lake Huron. We got to enjoy some very chilly weather and we got to appreciate the fact that both Sean and I are not willing to sleep under a leaky roof. (I knew there was a reason we fit together so well.)
We had an extended weekend with our Tribe. We are so lucky to have friends to enjoy life's ups and downs.
The highlight of this summer was finally, finally, finally meeting my first biological niece and enjoying her month long visit to the US. It is one thing to have my brother living in Japan and only visiting every other year, but I'm not sure I am going to be able to handle that arrangement for his wife and daughter, too.... (Sorry, bro, you've been ousted as top dog.) If any one has a job for a 2D animator who speaks conversational Japanese, has crazy mad computer skills, and is willing to do just about anything, just give me a call I've got the perfect guy for you.
Since I'm paying no mind to the timeline, I can't forget to include Burke week--a time to enjoy my east coast family. No fancy trip this year, but Toledo was full of family fun. There was a day on Lake Erie and several "less than epic" Uncle Paul nights. I love that my kids know my aunts and uncles and that they look forward to this part of our summer every year.
(Timeline-shmi-line) We even got to enjoy two trips to Columbus to visit my dad's new house! Papa Joe is cool and all, but two trips to the American Girl Doll and Lego stores in less than a month... oh dear Lord were the guppies happy. Then there was more family--my Aunt Teri and my cousin Katie came in from Washington and Indiana and we got to have a mini-Zupsic reunion.
Now to enjoy a little down time at home appreciating the mountain of laundry that we have amassed and trying to establish some sort of organization in this house!!!
I would be remiss if I didn't remember to include that this is the first summer in 3 years that I have been given an all clear from cancer. I'm totally enjoying being able to write that.
What have I been doing since obviously writing blog posts isn't one of them? I am very proud to say I have been enjoying life.
This summer I have enjoyed a camping trip to the UP (Upper Peninsula for you non-Michigan readers) with my family. We got to pet baby bears, see a waterfall, visit a shipwreck museum, and even got to try archery. I shared my crazy addiction to cool rocks and the kids walked on the shore of Lake Superior filling their pockets with their own.
Oh, I almost forgot--we got rained out of a camping trip on Lake Huron. We got to enjoy some very chilly weather and we got to appreciate the fact that both Sean and I are not willing to sleep under a leaky roof. (I knew there was a reason we fit together so well.)
We had an extended weekend with our Tribe. We are so lucky to have friends to enjoy life's ups and downs.
The highlight of this summer was finally, finally, finally meeting my first biological niece and enjoying her month long visit to the US. It is one thing to have my brother living in Japan and only visiting every other year, but I'm not sure I am going to be able to handle that arrangement for his wife and daughter, too.... (Sorry, bro, you've been ousted as top dog.) If any one has a job for a 2D animator who speaks conversational Japanese, has crazy mad computer skills, and is willing to do just about anything, just give me a call I've got the perfect guy for you.
Since I'm paying no mind to the timeline, I can't forget to include Burke week--a time to enjoy my east coast family. No fancy trip this year, but Toledo was full of family fun. There was a day on Lake Erie and several "less than epic" Uncle Paul nights. I love that my kids know my aunts and uncles and that they look forward to this part of our summer every year.
(Timeline-shmi-line) We even got to enjoy two trips to Columbus to visit my dad's new house! Papa Joe is cool and all, but two trips to the American Girl Doll and Lego stores in less than a month... oh dear Lord were the guppies happy. Then there was more family--my Aunt Teri and my cousin Katie came in from Washington and Indiana and we got to have a mini-Zupsic reunion.
Now to enjoy a little down time at home appreciating the mountain of laundry that we have amassed and trying to establish some sort of organization in this house!!!
I would be remiss if I didn't remember to include that this is the first summer in 3 years that I have been given an all clear from cancer. I'm totally enjoying being able to write that.
Monday, October 27, 2014
A few good days to write about
As with most of my writing, I started, got distracted, and now have too much to share it all...
On October 17th, I wrote:
Today has been a VERY good day! This sitting still and listening to my body thing is seriously not my style. But today I was granted some reprieve from the ouch-ness and thought I would brag about a good day.
On October 17th, I wrote:
Today has been a VERY good day! This sitting still and listening to my body thing is seriously not my style. But today I was granted some reprieve from the ouch-ness and thought I would brag about a good day.
I wasn't expecting today to be a good day at all, last night was rough and I didn't sleep much at all--just didn't get the pain meds timed right. When I awoke, I did the little shimmy wiggle thing I have to do now to sit up in bed, and while the pressure on my chest was tremendous it was manageable. I let the sleep fog dissipate for a bit with a few games of Candy Crush. Then I was able to take a warm shower, notice it was warm and not hot..... (reason #1 for good and not great day) And since the warmth relaxed my chest muscles I did a little tidying in my room.
Then I made way downstairs to do some sitting and resting.
When my father-in-law, AKA babysitter extraordinaire, arrived to help me with lunch I asked if he would also take me to the Secretary of State to get my enhanced driver's license (since the mobile app said there was only a 31 minute wait). He even let me convince him to make a detour to the grocery store. Apple pie makes people do strange things this time of year.... While we were unsuccessful in our hunt for an apple pie--to quench my craving for MacQueen's Dutch Apple pie--I did manage to sneak and put things in the cart all by myself. I felt like a little kid getting away with putting stuff in the cart. (too bad it was greek yogurt, bananas, Thomas's bagels, and some fruit)
On October 21st, I should have written (but I was too excited):
I got to drive today!!!!!!! Not quite strong enough for any long distances, but I can do some basic errand stuff!!!! There are not enough exclamation points to show how exciting this is for me.
Today is October 27th:
At my expansion appointment the doctor and I discussed several things, first was size (insert your favorite "it matters" joke here). Did you know that it is important to over expand to give the doctor more room to make the Franken-boobs pretty? Yeah, me either. AND a dear friend offered up the advice to "go big or go home" which led to my new found knowledge that it is a pretty easy surgery to change out implants if you are unsatisfied with the bigger, bolder version. Oh the conversations you never thought you'd be having....
Then he took out the wire-like stitches. Which actually hurt. Way more than the little tug he described. Attention doctors, just because you use the word little and you aren't exerting a huge effort doesn't mean that it feels that way on the receiving end. Oh, and a word to the wise, if there are a lot of steri-strips on your incision it isn't because the doctor let your kids play with the band-aids. That is one HECK of a battle scar:
But the highlight was talking seriously about going back to work. I'm not ready yet, but maybe in two weeks. I need to work on getting physically stronger by doing the "duh stuff" that everyone needs to do to be a little healthier (drink water, eat more fruits and veggies, exercise--for me that is walking for now--blah, blah, blah).
My biggest take away from this part of the conversation was the realization that outside of our own occupation we as adults have no idea what it really takes to do a job that is not our own. The interactions that just make the entire day more wonderful and those that make you shake your head or roll your eyes are all different, but we all have them. For me, knowing when I will be well enough to get back to my classroom, my passion, will be directly tied to knowing that I am ready to be fully present for both the wonderful and the difficult parts of the job.
(My apologies to English teachers and well-trained writers/reader everywhere for the horrid grammar in this post and for the last paragraph that is so disconnected and conclusion-less.)
When my father-in-law, AKA babysitter extraordinaire, arrived to help me with lunch I asked if he would also take me to the Secretary of State to get my enhanced driver's license (since the mobile app said there was only a 31 minute wait). He even let me convince him to make a detour to the grocery store. Apple pie makes people do strange things this time of year.... While we were unsuccessful in our hunt for an apple pie--to quench my craving for MacQueen's Dutch Apple pie--I did manage to sneak and put things in the cart all by myself. I felt like a little kid getting away with putting stuff in the cart. (too bad it was greek yogurt, bananas, Thomas's bagels, and some fruit)
On October 21st, I should have written (but I was too excited):
I got to drive today!!!!!!! Not quite strong enough for any long distances, but I can do some basic errand stuff!!!! There are not enough exclamation points to show how exciting this is for me.
Today is October 27th:
At my expansion appointment the doctor and I discussed several things, first was size (insert your favorite "it matters" joke here). Did you know that it is important to over expand to give the doctor more room to make the Franken-boobs pretty? Yeah, me either. AND a dear friend offered up the advice to "go big or go home" which led to my new found knowledge that it is a pretty easy surgery to change out implants if you are unsatisfied with the bigger, bolder version. Oh the conversations you never thought you'd be having....
Then he took out the wire-like stitches. Which actually hurt. Way more than the little tug he described. Attention doctors, just because you use the word little and you aren't exerting a huge effort doesn't mean that it feels that way on the receiving end. Oh, and a word to the wise, if there are a lot of steri-strips on your incision it isn't because the doctor let your kids play with the band-aids. That is one HECK of a battle scar:
But the highlight was talking seriously about going back to work. I'm not ready yet, but maybe in two weeks. I need to work on getting physically stronger by doing the "duh stuff" that everyone needs to do to be a little healthier (drink water, eat more fruits and veggies, exercise--for me that is walking for now--blah, blah, blah).
My biggest take away from this part of the conversation was the realization that outside of our own occupation we as adults have no idea what it really takes to do a job that is not our own. The interactions that just make the entire day more wonderful and those that make you shake your head or roll your eyes are all different, but we all have them. For me, knowing when I will be well enough to get back to my classroom, my passion, will be directly tied to knowing that I am ready to be fully present for both the wonderful and the difficult parts of the job.
(My apologies to English teachers and well-trained writers/reader everywhere for the horrid grammar in this post and for the last paragraph that is so disconnected and conclusion-less.)
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Another reason why I love my husband
My days are currently filled with high doses of pain meds, naps, and tv watching which means that I don't have much to update you with. The quick and easy: pathology report from the mastectomy says that while the cancer was invasive on the left side it does NOT require chemotherapy. The same report also says that there was a previously undetected new cancer on the right side. (I will have to post about that again once I have met with my oncologist and surgeon and understand what it means exactly.) For now, we can all give a giant whoo hoo for no chemo. If it didn't hurt so much, I'd suggest a happy dance, but...... that ain't gonna happen.
It has been a while since I shared one of the good chuckles Sean and I have had along this journey. (Trust me, we laugh A LOT---way more than we cry.) So today you get a glimpse into our little world of coping with other doctor's office.
Yesterday ,I went to a check-up with the plastic surgeon. (Oh, an update I forgot about--Dr. Lytle was able to remove 2 of my drains, only 4 more to go!) And since that office has become Sean's favorite place to make inappropriate jokes (the first visit involved him being the man behind the curtain with the Quagmire and that creepy old guy from Family Guy sound board). Gratefully the nurses have a fabulous senses of humor and we laugh hysterically at just about everything that happens there.
To truly understand this anecdote indulge me: Put your left hand over your chest (like your are going to use the wrong hand to say the Pledge of Allegiance) and wiggles your fingers. I know nothing happened when you did it, but when I did it went squish squish like a 1980s waterbed. Sounded and felt as creepy as you are imagining, but didn't hurt (that could be the two HUGE pills I took before we left the house, but who's counting).
Nicole's perspective: The doc turns away and gives directions to the nurse in what sounds like English but went by me so fast I didn't catch it all. My mind went immediately to Willy Wonka and like he was whistling to the Oompa Loompas and giving orders for sending me to the juicing machine. I kept waiting to hear him say, "but look quick...." and dancing to begin (see previous paragraph and two HUGE pills comment).
Sean's perspective (keep in mind he is not laying down on the exam table nor has he had the two HUGE pills): Doc turns away and goes over to the counter. He pulls out a syringe and needle. No, not the ordinary one that you have probably all seen at a regular doctor's appointment. BUT instead the one straight out of some freak-tastic Halloween movie. The barrel of the syringe is at least an inch and a half in diameter and the needle is at least 3 inches long. Sean and the doc start exchanging some banter about rusty needles and my looopy world hears "WAAAAhahahahahaha!" followed by a clap of thunder and flickering lights (remember those two HUGE pills--that didn't really happen but we were all laughing like it was). The nurse holds my hand and says, "you won't feel anything." and it was about then that I actually saw the harpoon he was sticking in my non-existent boob. And he really did fill that bad boy with the ick that went squish..... and now I don't go squish anymore.
Hope this made you at least giggle a little. If not, I'll give you one last try, I took my husband with me to the plastic surgeon's office when I was loopy....... Thank GOD it wasn't size picking day, that could have been a disaster.
It has been a while since I shared one of the good chuckles Sean and I have had along this journey. (Trust me, we laugh A LOT---way more than we cry.) So today you get a glimpse into our little world of coping with other doctor's office.
Yesterday ,I went to a check-up with the plastic surgeon. (Oh, an update I forgot about--Dr. Lytle was able to remove 2 of my drains, only 4 more to go!) And since that office has become Sean's favorite place to make inappropriate jokes (the first visit involved him being the man behind the curtain with the Quagmire and that creepy old guy from Family Guy sound board). Gratefully the nurses have a fabulous senses of humor and we laugh hysterically at just about everything that happens there.
To truly understand this anecdote indulge me: Put your left hand over your chest (like your are going to use the wrong hand to say the Pledge of Allegiance) and wiggles your fingers. I know nothing happened when you did it, but when I did it went squish squish like a 1980s waterbed. Sounded and felt as creepy as you are imagining, but didn't hurt (that could be the two HUGE pills I took before we left the house, but who's counting).
Nicole's perspective: The doc turns away and gives directions to the nurse in what sounds like English but went by me so fast I didn't catch it all. My mind went immediately to Willy Wonka and like he was whistling to the Oompa Loompas and giving orders for sending me to the juicing machine. I kept waiting to hear him say, "but look quick...." and dancing to begin (see previous paragraph and two HUGE pills comment).
Sean's perspective (keep in mind he is not laying down on the exam table nor has he had the two HUGE pills): Doc turns away and goes over to the counter. He pulls out a syringe and needle. No, not the ordinary one that you have probably all seen at a regular doctor's appointment. BUT instead the one straight out of some freak-tastic Halloween movie. The barrel of the syringe is at least an inch and a half in diameter and the needle is at least 3 inches long. Sean and the doc start exchanging some banter about rusty needles and my looopy world hears "WAAAAhahahahahaha!" followed by a clap of thunder and flickering lights (remember those two HUGE pills--that didn't really happen but we were all laughing like it was). The nurse holds my hand and says, "you won't feel anything." and it was about then that I actually saw the harpoon he was sticking in my non-existent boob. And he really did fill that bad boy with the ick that went squish..... and now I don't go squish anymore.
Hope this made you at least giggle a little. If not, I'll give you one last try, I took my husband with me to the plastic surgeon's office when I was loopy....... Thank GOD it wasn't size picking day, that could have been a disaster.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
I get by with a little help from my friends...
Tonight the kids and I went to Mass, and it was the first time in a long time that I was listening with all of my heart. When we were singing "Glory to God in the highest, and peace to people of goodwill..." I started to cry, you know those tears that you can't control and yet you fight anyway. The ones everyone pretends they don't see, but their eyes say they do. In this moment Elizabeth asked me why I was crying, and when I told her I would explain after Mass she reached up and wiped away my tears. Jake wrapped his arms around me, and somehow I didn't fall apart and crumple into a ball on the floor in the middle of the church.
Since we were sitting in the front row (yes, I let the kids pick our seats when it is just us 3 and they like to be able to see everything) I'm certain that Fr. Pat wasn't the only one who had front row seats to our moment. But for the first time along this journey I didn't care who was watching or what they thought. I wonder if they could tell that I didn't know how to explain to her that I am angry, a little lost, and yet I have faith in God. That at moments like this I can find all of my strength in their two small hearts and know that it will all be OK someday.
I feel this need to ask, "why again?" Like there is some answer or some lesson that I have to learn the hard way. I've had conversations with many different friends and family about this idea that there is some higher purpose to my having to have breast cancer 3 times. I must have missed some important lesson the first two times, although that seems to reek of the movie Groundhog's Day.
A convincing argument in my head, and in my heart, is that I have to learn to ask for and accept help more often. I think it is the asking part in particular that is my challenge. So many people have offered to help, and I am going to let them, I just have to figure out what to ask for help doing. Which, as moms everywhere can understand, is a lot harder than just doing it all yourself.
SO to my many people of goodwill, I will accept your offers and find a place for as much help as I can.
Well this post was waaaaaaaaay more emotional than I intended..... I was really just planning to let you know that after some back and forth between the surgeon and the plastic surgeon we have set a date. On September 27th (yes that is a Saturday) I will have a double mastectomy with reconstruction. It is expected to be about a 12 hour surgery with a night or two hospital stay. I haven't done any online research about what to expect, but doctors everywhere seem to like to say that this is a very painful procedure. Meh, bring it on!!! This tough cookie will come out even stronger in the end.
Since we were sitting in the front row (yes, I let the kids pick our seats when it is just us 3 and they like to be able to see everything) I'm certain that Fr. Pat wasn't the only one who had front row seats to our moment. But for the first time along this journey I didn't care who was watching or what they thought. I wonder if they could tell that I didn't know how to explain to her that I am angry, a little lost, and yet I have faith in God. That at moments like this I can find all of my strength in their two small hearts and know that it will all be OK someday.
I feel this need to ask, "why again?" Like there is some answer or some lesson that I have to learn the hard way. I've had conversations with many different friends and family about this idea that there is some higher purpose to my having to have breast cancer 3 times. I must have missed some important lesson the first two times, although that seems to reek of the movie Groundhog's Day.
A convincing argument in my head, and in my heart, is that I have to learn to ask for and accept help more often. I think it is the asking part in particular that is my challenge. So many people have offered to help, and I am going to let them, I just have to figure out what to ask for help doing. Which, as moms everywhere can understand, is a lot harder than just doing it all yourself.
SO to my many people of goodwill, I will accept your offers and find a place for as much help as I can.
Well this post was waaaaaaaaay more emotional than I intended..... I was really just planning to let you know that after some back and forth between the surgeon and the plastic surgeon we have set a date. On September 27th (yes that is a Saturday) I will have a double mastectomy with reconstruction. It is expected to be about a 12 hour surgery with a night or two hospital stay. I haven't done any online research about what to expect, but doctors everywhere seem to like to say that this is a very painful procedure. Meh, bring it on!!! This tough cookie will come out even stronger in the end.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Crap..... it's back...
There are so many ways to start this post, but I think that direct is best.
Yep, you read correctly, third time's a charm for me on this breast cancer roller coaster.
On the 13th, I went for my preventative MRI of the breasts. That evening I got a call from my surgeon that there were two suspicious areas showing up in the left breast. She arranged for a mammogram with ultrasound on the 15th. They were not able to see the same areas in the mammogram nor with the ultrasound. Due to my history (and certainly the knowledge of the doctors) they arranged for, although I think demanded is a better word, an MRI guided biopsy on Monday (I could write an entire post about how much I dislike this procedure). Tuesday, my surgeon called with the preliminary results--both areas are cancerous.
I apologize for all those reading who are knowledgable on BC and have questions that I should know the answer to but simply don't right now. This diagnosis took me completely off guard. I was expecting an all clear. I was ready to put my teacher wardrobe to work, my PTA mom positive attitude in high gear, and my hockey mom schedule in motion.
Today, I had strength. I went to my classroom. I said the right things to the right people, and meant it. I sincerely promised to take care of myself and to ask for anything that I might need.
Tonight, I am weak. I am hiding in my house, grateful to be allowed to just be mad and sad alone.
Tomorrow, I will stand tall. We will formulate a plan and with the help of so many people I love and cherish I will take on this challenge with determination and whatever else it takes to rid myself of this round of evil.
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